The “twist and flip” method of bread protection... it’s not exactly an auspicious place to start, but I guess my aspirations just aren’t that high for this little space. Besides, I figured I’d ramble on whatever popped in my head, and right now, that’s it. So anyway, the bread...
Bill Engvall does a routine about being chastised by his wife for putting bread away by simply spinning the bag and tucking the end under... Well I heard it again the other day, and it got me to thinking...
Why is this wrong?
I know a large number of women would just shake their heads at me in that condescending “how do you even dress yourself, and by the way, those pants don’t match that shirt” kind of way, saying “it’s wrong, because that’s not the way you do it.” Well, when was it decided that there WAS a predefined way for doing everything, and WHO decided that women would be the only ones to be given this vital information?!? God, (Allah, Jesus, Buddah, Martha, whatever), if you’re up there, I figure you must be trying to teach me something, but I’ll be damned if I can figure it out. You see, I have come to discover that women have “places” for everything, even things that aren’t theirs! Utensils, bowls, toilet paper, small animals... nothing is safe!
Apparantly, when I lived by myself I just didn’t have a clue about what I was doing. As for me personally, I was blissfully unaware of this fact (and also admittedly, progressively unaware of where anything was), but I guess I was pretty hopeless... In fact, my possessions must have been quite ashamed to call me their owner. Who knew that bowls, cups, mugs, et al, all have specific places to reside in the cupboard... and for me, that begs the question, why? Is there civil unrest in the glassware community? Overt prejudice? Why is segregation so important? Is there such a thing as teacup hate crimes? Are we still THAT mad at the British?
But then again, maybe this would explain why often in the middle of the night I would awaken to the sound of clattering, only to find the next morning that one of my coveted “Welch’s Jelly” glasses was lying smashed in the middle of the kitchen floor (I’m a guy, I don’t OWN any teacups). Who knows, maybe the other glasses were jealous of its thickness and many colors... or maybe they were just making a bold statement against the rampant commercialization of our culture by laying waste to a symbol of perpetuating corporate greed. Hell, I don’t know what sends beverage containers over the edge...
But I digress... My point (if indeed I do have one), is that as guys, we need to really take a look at why we do things. We need to realize that women don’t know everything! They’re making it up as they go along too... they’re just much better at getting us to BELIEVE they know what they’re doing. Guys tend to just blindly accept that they probably do everything wrong... in part because it makes life easier... and also in part, because if a guy does what he’s told, there’s a distinct chance that he might get some monkey love. But listen up monkeys! We need to be strong! If I want to throw caution to the wind, and discard the age old twist tie in favor of a patented “twist and flip”, that shouldn’t cause me to be shunned by the fairer member of my household... After all, it still stops the air from getting in, it removes the frustration of unwinding that dangerously sharp bit of paper covered metal, and it generally makes the entire “bread-getting” process take less time. If you ask me, it’s a much more efficient way to do things... plus, it adds flair, and gives you a deeper sense of satisfaction (who DOESN’T like to spin a loaf every now and then?).
So go forth men... Twist! Flip! Live it up... after all, you can always apologize for it later... and hey, if you own up to it first, maybe you'll even get some monkey love.
2 comments:
Someone did read this. A woman, who lives by the "twist and flip" and who's husband lives by the twist tie.
You may close the bread however your like.
Just make sure it's on the right shelf in the pantry.
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