Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Green means go...

It’s funny... ask a person to rate his or her driving skills, and he or she will most likely assure you that they are without a doubt an above average example of vehicular fortitude. Yup, nine times out of ten you’re bound to come across someone who wholeheartedly believes that they are without equal among their respective peers in the driving community. But as anyone who has driven on the streets of Boston will attest, this is, in reality, utterly impossible. And truth be told, most people will probably agree with you on that point too... they’ll just follow it up by reiterating that they ARE in fact above average, and it is EVERYONE ELSE who is misrepresenting their versatility with an ignition key.

Well, let me take a moment here to admit something...

I am NOT an excellent driver.

Ok, that’s probably the wrong way to phrase it... I mean, I’m probably better than rain man, but let’s be honest, that’s not saying too much. Sure, he talks a good game... but when everything’s on the line, I’d be willing to bet he crumbles like a soiled pair of k-mart underwear.

...I’ll give you a minute to get that visual out of your head.

Now, it’s not that I think I’m an exceptionally BAD driver (um... recent events not withstanding). I just wouldn’t call myself exceptionally skilled...

I’m not about to apply make-up in the rearview mirror, or try to outrun a Corvette with my Sentra, or play chicken with a bridge embankment... and I almost never play “top gun,” slamming on my breaks while traveling at high speeds so the people chasing me will “fly right by”

...not anymore anyway.

But gross negligences aside, I have to admit that I am susceptible to a veritable plethora of other distractions... the radio... engaging conversations... shiny objects. Even the daily routine of driving the same paths over and over can force me to lose focus from time to time.

Plus, I probably follow too close, accelerate too much, and generally act like an impatient 4-year-old standing six people deep in line for a sugar fix at the ice cream truck.

No, this isn’t really anything to be proud of (as my insurance premiums continually remind me), and I’m not proud of it... at all. But at least I’m brave enough to stand up and take responsibility for my own ineptitude.

Yes, my name is Flarf... and I am an average driver.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s not really anything to fear... and who knows... now that I’ve admitted it perhaps I’ll even be more attuned to the world around me... maybe now, when I am actually driving, I’ll be able to concentrate more on the task at hand... and maybe I’ll start to see my skills improving... and maybe someday I’ll even get to the point where I attain a level of proficiency at which I can once again legitimately consider myself to be counted among the more elite group of automotive enthusiasts who are truly gifted at their craft.

But in the meantime, if you look over and happen to see a black Nissan Sentra that appears to be missing its driver, don’t worry...

...that’s probably just me trying to find my ipod.

11 comments:

Wraar said...

I could certainty do without flarf's knack for drifting off the highway onto the stay-awake ridges that shake the brain.

Flarf said...

i'm not drifting, i do that on purpose... i like to pretend my car has massaging seats :)

Flarf said...

oddly enough, i too get great satisfaction from practicing "anti-road" rage... i like to smile at the drivers while i block them out two... you can almost see the steam coming out of their heads

Wraar said...

where is "englandi?"

Flarf said...

south of scottlandi

Anonymous said...

i think it's near scireland... i hear the speak scirish

Anonymous said...

ahrrrrrrrr

Flarf said...

scirish people are pirates?

Anonymous said...

Flarf! "David Hasselhoff files for divorce"

Discuss...

Flarf said...

all i can say is... i guess the hoff's too much man for just one woman.

Anonymous said...

Scirish always includes at least one "ahrrrr" in a sentence....(in Florida, anyway)