Things that TV and the movies get wrong...

Ok, so this has been bugging me, and even though I’m as big a fan of escapist entertainment as the next guy, I feel obligated to point out a few of the more gaping holes in the television and movie industry’s basic tenants of story structure…

For example:

Outer Bully, Inner Child
Not all bullies are overwrought with such insecurity that their feelings of inadequacy force them to act out with aggression towards anyone weaker or more vulnerable than they - and thusly, when confronted with equal assertiveness, will back down, respecting the abilities of the “victim” to stand up for himself. That’s right, some just like to punch people in the face. It’s a sad fact of life, but it’s true. Don’t believe me? Ok… try it.

Meeting Cute
If you meet a beautiful woman… and immediately get into a heated argument with her such that it is apparent by the end of your encounter that she wholly detests you… she will NOT over time come to realize that you are in fact a swell guy, and her initial anger was simply born out of her frustration with the fact that someone challenged her on an intellectual level… most likely she will ALWAYS detest you, and you will never get some of that, no matter how hard you try.

The Welcome Matt
If you meet a beautiful woman… and you two strike up a winning friendship even though you harbor feelings for her… and if said woman has established a pattern of picking the “wrong” kind of man, leaving you to be the one she comes running to when they inevitably leave, cheat on, or otherwise upset her, she will NOT eventually realize that the right man has been standing next to her along and throw her arms around you at some wildly poetic moment (such as when you’re about to board a boat to leave for a 6-month basket-weaving sojourn in Namibia). She will continue to pick the wrong man time and time again, and you will never get some of that, no matter how hard you try.

[the previous two examples also apply if you reverse the sexes… the only difference is that if you’re a woman, you probably CAN get some of that if you want]

Office Space
If you’re able to secure yourself an executive position you’re completely under qualified for through a mountain of lies and deceit that would rival, um… well a REALLY big mountain of lies and deceit… and if you manage to maintain that high wire act for a sufficient amount of time such that when it finally all comes crashing down it does so with a flair and panache worthy of Cirque du Soleil, well chances are pretty good that the CEO of the company is NOT going to reward your “moxie” with a legitimate position at the company… no, chances are you’re going to prison, where some big guy name bruce will show you the secret of HIS success.

And of course…

Yippee Kayay
If you ever find yourself in an abandoned warehouse surrounded by 23 drug runners armed with automatic weapons (and bad tempers), and you jump out from behind your yugo to begin firing the rusty 9MM weapon that the fast-talking “plays by his own rules” detective (on suspension) gave you so you can rescue the beautiful damsel in distress that’s tied to the bumper of a Hummer that just happens to be parked next to roughly 17 barrels marked (inexplicably) “Flammable” – well, let’s just say that you probably wont get to fire more than a couple shots before your lifeless corps starts to slowly collapse to the warehouse floor (yes, like a flan in the cupboard)… oh, and if by some miracle you DO survive, and the damsel DOES get rescued… she’s going home with the detective… THAT one, they got right.

Politically incorrect perishables...

Being a reticently rotund individual myself, I understand perfectly the longing for new forms of fatty foods and sweeter treats. But that being said, there is such a thing as common sense, so when I turned on the food network recently and witnessed a man deep-frying a hot dog (in the bun no less), it was not without some surprise that a single thought occurred to me…

“This is most ingenious thing I have ever seen!”

Common sense be damned…

Sure, by this point in my life I’ve heard of deep fried Oreo’s, deep fried Mars Bars, and even deep fried Nutter Butters… And they were impressive once, but now, as far as I’m concerned, the people who came up with those are nothing but amateurs.

No… this man… the guy I saw on the tee vee… he was a true genius.

And he didn’t just stop at the hot dog no siree bob… he also went so far as to deep fry cheesecake – creating an industrial-strength artery buster that I can only assume causes at least a 13% blockage simply upon being smelt.

(smelt? smelled? smellindid? whatever… I like smelt… so what if it sounds like a welder came in extracted iron ore from someone’s superior vena cava… that’s probably not all that far off anyway)

But the final stroke (and I do mean stroke) of genius this culinary pioneer came up with… the veritable piece of resistance that this guy tempted fate by creating was the battered and dipped, deep-fried macaroni and cheese.

That’s right… Macaroni and cheese!

I don’t even LIKE macaroni and cheese, and this brought a smile to my face. He grabbed a handful of the yellow gooey mess, cupped it in his hands like a 4-year-old making a snowball (kinda gives new meaning to the old adage “don’t eat the yellow snow”), and then proceeded to roll it in bread crumbs and dip it in batter, before finally dropping it into a vat of boiling oily goodness.

That my friends, is the kind of “out-of-the-box” ingenuity that’s going to get us to the moon someday.

Today's headlines #5

Massachusetts Sets Health Plan for Nearly All
Frank and George reportedly pissed.


Last Gasp of Winter Arrives With Supersized Snowflakes
Details of breakthrough McDonald’s/Mother Nature sponsorship deal revealed.


Apple Unveils Software to Let Macs Run Windows
Supersized snowflakes seen falling in Hades


Activist Nuns Return to Missile Silo
I just hope they don’t have the launch codes.


Saddam Dodges Shiite Questions
Well if they’re that bad, I probably wouldn’t answer them either…


Doctors Reattach Part of Sharon's Skull
Still offer no explanation for Basic instinct 2


Vain Wild Turkey Seeks Leftovers at Café
I’m not even going to ask.