Today's headlines #2

Mary-Kate Olsen Drops Out of NYU
NEW YORK (AP) — What would Bob Saget say about this? Mary-Kate Olsen, who shared the role of Michelle with her twin sister, Ashley, on the '80s comedy Full House, has dropped out of college, early in her sophomore year, according to a published report.

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Guidance counselor: “I really wish you’d reconsider Miss Olsen”

Mary-Kate: “I just don’t see the purpose in it.”

Guidance counselor: “A college education is very important for young women nowadays... it can help prepare you for the real world”

Mary-Kate: “But I already have 150 million dollars... I don’t have to LIVE in the real world.”

Guidance counselor: “Oh... right... very well then... good day.”
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New Orleans Cafe Prepares To Reopen
Owner plans exciting “Grand Reopening/Going Out of Business” sale.


Sea Turtle Returns To N.O. Aquarium
Blasts FEMA for poor Cheloniidae evacuation strategy.


Are Modern Americans A Rude, Boorish Lot?
Yes. ...you got a problem with that?!?!?


University Of Alabama’s First Black Grad Dies
School promises to admit 2 or 3 more “sometime soon”


Bush holds video rally for Iraq troops
Vows to play Duran Duran’s “Rio” over and over again until “everyone but saddam’s a smilin’!”


WHO Urges Calm On Bird Flu
Claim “it's only teenage wasteland”


Businesses Crack Down On Gas Use
Ban employees from eating at Chi Chi’s, Chili’s or Taco Bell.