To the "Fluffy's" of the world...

Naming a pet is a personal thing. It’s a subjective question really, one that has no right or wrong answer. And truth be told, there’s absolutely no sound logic or reasoning behind making the decision to criticize or poke fun at what anyone chooses to call their beloved pile of fur, fins or scales.

...but I’m still going to do it.

Don’t get me wrong, I like animals, and I don’t wish to inflict upon them any additional measure of embarrassment above and beyond that which they already suffer at our hands, but you see... often, by looking at a pet’s name, you can tell just as much (or more) about the owner as you can about the pet. So really, when you get right down to it, I’m not actually mocking any animals here at all... I’m mocking people.

...and that’s something I have absolutely no problem doing.

For example, if a 6 foot 2 inch tall, 345 pound, bald behemoth named Brutus adopts a 3 pound Pekinese and affectionately starts referring to it as “princess snookems” Well, you’ve just learned something about Brutus. Namely, that even with all appearances pointing to the contrary, he is most likely a tough man with a tender soul who enjoys fresh daisies, the Gilmore Girls, and long walks through dewy meadows. That being said, I still wouldn’t even think of approaching said behemoth in a dark alley with a smile, a dewy daisy, and a freshly minted copy of season 4 on DVD, but still... you can pretty much guess that if you did... after pummeling you about the head and neck, Mr. Brutus would probably be willing to sit down with you and watch at least a few of the bonus features.

It’s an extreme example, but you get my drift... and hey, at least it would be somewhat original.

I think what bothers me the most about pet names is the lack of creativity. There should really be a moratorium on certain names at this point...

Ok, so your cat is black... we can see that... by LOOKING at it... there’s really no need to reinforce the matter by naming the little buddy “midnight.”

...or “shadow.”

...or “licorice”

And the same holds true if your feline friend happens to be white. Names such as “snowball,” “popcorn,” and “ivory” are not cute... they’re lazy.

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to reveal the following tidbits about my own life:

When I was a child, my brother got a hamster. A brown hamster. And when given the task of naming him, he thought long and hard... and then decided to call him “Brownie.”

Yes... “Brownie.”

I would mock him further, and rightfully, I should, but for one juicy nugget of information... you see, my brother’s supreme lack of creative thought is topped by the fact that shortly after “Brownie” entered our world, I acquired my own hamster. A black one. And when given the task of naming him, I thought long and hard, and decided to call him...

wait for it...

Yes... “Blackie.”

I know, I know... it’s sad, but the way I see it, children have to be excluded from creative judgment. As a child, when you get a pet, you’re so overwhelmed by the fact that you’re actually being entrusted with the care and companionship of another living creature, that you can’t possibly be called upon to process anything complex or creative. Basically, you should be applauded for even being able to ratchet up the brain power high enough to shout out the name of what’s in front of you. And I believe wholeheartedly that this very phenomena is what has led to countless cats and dogs across the country being given names such as “tiger,” “spot,” “chocolate,” “cocoa,” “oreo,” or “marshmallow”

...apparantly, our nation’s children are very hungry

In any event, children excluded, I feel we have an obligation to be a little more inventive with what we call our pets...

Some people take the responsibility of naming quite seriously... weighing the pros and cons of various names before eventually settling on a particular sentiment – something that says something about them, their pet, and their view of the world. Hey, if that’s your bag, then go for it...

Then again, some people see it as an excuse to be absurd. To point out something silly, or poke fun at the conventions of the modern world, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s cool too.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you... and whatever you choose will be fine. We are just talking about your pet here... So whether you go with “Princess Snookems,” “Gnarfblat the Impaler,” or even just “Chuck,” it’s all good.

But please... if you ever decide to get a python... I’m begging you... don’t name it “Monty.”

Trust me... it’s been done.