Today's headlines #1

Language instructors arrested at Fort Bragg
Face formal tribunal on charges of “adding an extra ‘g’”

FDA to tighten mad cow rules
Cows that are merely incensed, perturbed, or really ticked off will no longer officially be considered “mad.” In order to pass FDA muster, said cows will now have to demonstrate at least 2 of the three telltale signs: 1) smoke emanating from ears, 2) face turning beet red while industrial “whistle” blows in background, or 3) unexplained affinity for rutabaga.

Senators prepare to grill Miers
Bi-partisan committee currently forming to debate use of sea salt and black pepper or a cajun rub.

'Chick flick' among new dictionary entries
“stink palm” and “cockblock” soon to follow.

Hardest-working frog tells all
Works with ghostwriter to reveal complete life story, “warts and all”

Trio wins Nobel Prize for ‘green chemistry’
Ziplock outraged. Promises lawsuit over illegal appropriation of coveted “yellow and blue make” technology.

Women fill key roles on Bush team
Hee hee.

Arctic sea ice melting faster
Refuses to stop taunting Antarctic sea ice.

Deadly 1918 Epidemic Linked to Bird Flu, Scientists Say
Woodrow Wilson/Audubon inspired plan to issue influenza shots (and tiny bottles of NyQuil) to all airborne creatures encountered snag when a large number of potential candidates refused treatment. “They just flew away... no pun intended” one source said.