Random Paragraph #19

As Stan worked up some phlegm and coughed for the 137th time today (yes, I was now counting), my hackles shot skyward and my temper flared to within an inch of breaking… When he chuckled and told me that his kids’ inability to wash their hands after using the bathroom was to blame for his malady (a story he took great pleasure in repeating to me ad nauseam as well… he had had actually come to referring to his illness as the “spongebob flu”) a single thought clarified my vision… given the confined atmosphere in which we work, and the lack of any open window or functioning ventilation system, it was only a matter of time before the ratio of breathable clean air, to whatever in god’s name seemed to be emanating from Stan’s mouth (and apparently derived from little Stan’s mouth), tilted in favor of the latter. This being the case, I felt it was my civic duty as a human being to rectify the situation and restore order to my workplace environment… so I shoved my computer mouse in his mouth and stapled his lips shut (thank God for office supplies). Of course, due to lack of forethought, I was now left with a non-functioning computer and an inability to bind paperwork (the fourth staple hadn’t quite gone through all the way, and my stapler was now dangling from his lower lip). Not wanting to take advantage of my employer (as the nicely illustrated poster on the wall cheerfully states, “once you clock in, it’s OUR time you’re wasting”), I decided to take what I felt would be the best advisable course of action… I clocked out and went home.