The power of the Hoff...

I learned a lot this weekend. I learned about intimidation. About the subtle use of suggestion. About the black arts.

But most importantly, I learned about the power of “the Hoff”.

You see, on Saturday I took part in another poker tournament… a cordial gathering of friends and strangers who convene every few months to test their abilities at what the experts have deemed “the Cadillac of poker games”: Texas Hold ‘em.

Now I know it’s a bit trendy to be talking about hold ‘em these days… its gotten a bit ubiquitous lately, and truth be told, it’s a little more than a little bit media oversaturated… I’m sure we’re going to see some sort of backlash soon, and all the celebs will flock to the latest game de jour (coming up next, “Celebrity Scrabble” – watch all your favorite stars from stage and screen as they compete to be the first to spell a word using more than three of their tiles!)… but I don’t care… I like hold em… it’s fun… it’s smart… and if you play it right, it’s often more about skill than luck…

Unless you have “the Hoff”

Ok, so that’s the second time I’ve mentioned that (not counting the title of this rambling, in which case it’s the third time, not the second like I said before but really, who’s counting… and if you are counting, please tell me why?)…

Anyway… the point is, I still haven’t explained myself…

So perhaps I better have.

(trust me, if you say that last line with a British accent, the grammar almost kinda makes sense.)

When I arrived at the tournament this weekend I had a plan… you see, though I was relatively confident that my poker skills had improved somewhat since the last tournament, I was by no means expecting to do very well, so I decided to bolster my chances. It was upon finding my chair at my first table that I revealed my secret weapon… a 5x7 autographed photo of the baywatchliest man on the face of this earth…yes, the one… the only… David Hasslehoff. Now, by “autographed photo,” please understand that I mean I took a printout from a website I found and wrote on it myself… but anyway, the spirit was there… Upon the photo, the following message was inscribed:

“To Flarf-
KEEP ROCKIN’

Love,
The Hoff!”

I’m sure it’s quite easy for you to understand how this made me the envy of my fellow cardplayers. There it was in all it’s glory… a nice cherry frame… freshly windexed glass… shining like a beacon on the table in front of my chips… my inspiration for the evening…

“The Hoff”

Well once the laughter had died down, a funny thing began to happen… you could sense a change in the room…

People began to fear the Hoff.

Oh yes… it’s true…

The woman sitting next to me regarded that it was “a little creepy to look at”… Some refused to look in it’s direction… others began to come over and admire it… commenting at length on such things as the Hoff’s power, his strength… his abundance of chest hair.

It was an intimidating presence indeed.

Little did I know at that point, that I had only begun to scratch the surface of the Hoff’s power… you see, on the first hand of the tournament… the very first hand! …I knocked someone out and doubled my chips!

Yes, the battle was on, and the Hoff… he was strong.

Over the course of the next 8 hours, the Hoff would be mocked… the Hoff would be threatened… and the Hoff would be insulted…but most of all, the Hoff would be feared… and through it all, the Hoff remained steadfast in his mission. Around hour 4, as I was fighting to stay alive, a candle was placed in front of the Hoff by some gracious fellow believers… it was a testament to his strength, and thusly the Hoff was renewed… in turn, I triumphed, and found myself with a place at the final table…

Now I wish I could tell you that this was a tale of ultimate victory… that through the Hoff’s power I was able to conquer all foes and emerge victorious, but that just wouldn’t be true… I battled admirably, looking to the Hoff for support and guidance when I needed it most, and I played as best I could… but when the dust had settled, I found myself in third… beaten by stronger players.

Now before you even mention it, I most certainly do NOT blame the Hoff for my loss… I am but a humble man, who was trying to put forth a good effort… The Hoff got me through a lot, and carried me almost to victory. Yes, when the time came, he was spent, and had nothing left to give. And I’ll admit, I was angry for a moment when my chips rejected me, but just for a moment…

After all, how could I expect more…the Hoff is only one man.