Fat kids are harder to kidnap...

Losing weight is an interesting endeavor... when you think about it, it’s almost absurdist in concept really... with everything else going on in the world I’m going to concentrate on trying to make sure there’s less of ME in it? I mean, I’m not morbidly obese or anything, it’s not a health issue per se, I’m just a little... round.

If I were a woman, one might categorize me as Rubenesque... but not in that “she’s attractive, I think I’ll make a statue of her and forget to attach the arms” kind of way*... it would be more of a “She’s a bit plump isn’t she... let’s be nice and call her Rubenesque because her face is just this side of disgusting, and she doesn’t have much else going for her” kind of way (after all, I’d make quite the homely bride)...

In any event, I’m not a woman, so that discussion is moot...

It’s probably more accurate to characterize me as “chubby” or “portly.” If I were a 12 year-old boy, one might call me “husky” and suggest I ride my bike more often... my mother in turn, would then keep telling me I’m “gearing up for a growth spurt” (she’s good like that)... a dramatic increase in vertical fortitude that would theoretically compensate for the abundance of cheeseburgers in my belly... it would, of course, never come... yeah... a growth spurt... that’s a good line... a rational explanation even... but somehow, as I stand here 31 years old and a towering 5 foot 8 (and a half), I don’t think my growth spurt’s going to happen... I believe that ship has long since sailed (and it’s a short ship indeed).

This being the case, I guess I’ll have to work harder on reducing my horizontal specifications...

Now, the first thing you need to make any weight loss plan successful is motivation… mine came courtesy of a gruff little Mexican dude who told me in broken English that he had the perfect t-shirt for me...

Perhaps I should back up a step or two.

Picture this: A cruise to the Caribbean. You dock for the day in Cozumel. You stroll along a pristine beach with your girlfriend while the sun breaks through a cloudless sky and the waves gently lap at your feet. It’s the postcard definition of a perfect day. Then, you head to a shop so your girlfriend can pick up a pair of shorts. An overly ambitious huckster reels you in, but promises he’s giving you “a great deal” …then, as the shorts are being rung up, he shifts his focus…ducking behind the counter, he fumbles around, and then emerges with a t-shirt... one that he states (grinning ear to ear no less) is absolutely “perfect” for you. On this shirt, a picture of a guy who bares a striking resemblance to Captain Lou Albano is sunbathing, and the image is accompanied by the following words:

“It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel source for my sex machine!”

Yeah... I decided right then that it was time to lay off the burritos. When a pudgy little Mexican guy thinks you're fat, it's time for self-evaluation. I was quietly and humbly mortified. The only consolation I had was the fact that I was standing thousands of miles away from my regular life, thousands of miles away from everything and everyone I knew, and therefore no one would ever have to know about the humiliation I had just suffered.

Of course, I just wrote about it here, so I guess I’ve kind of negated that line of reasoning… but really, how many of you are actually going to read this far?

Anyway, my point is... That lovely event gave me more than enough fuel (pun intended) for my fire... I was ready to make a change. And now, I’m working on it. I‘m eating better and cursing the treadmill on a nearly daily basis... and we’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll get down to my goal weight, maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m sure I’ll wind up in better shape than I am now…

And hey… if I’m really successful at this, and miracle of all miracles, I’m able to get down to what I weighed when I graduated high school... well I’ll tell you right now, I’m getting the mesh half-shirts back out of storage.





*Yes, I am aware that the Venus de Milo was not created by Peter Paul Rubens... I’m also aware that the statue originally DID have arms... it probably isn’t “technically” Rubenesque either, but trust me... it’s funnier if you don’t think about things like that.