BLACK CLOUD :(
Once you’re a “grown-up,” it’s considered improper to dress up and go house-to-house trick-or-treating on Halloween.
SILVER LINING :)
All faux pas aside, as long as you have a pretty good costume and you kneel down when you’re actually receiving said treats you can probably get away with it. Plus, once the door is closed, you'll totally be able to get the jump on the other kids and bully them into giving you a cut of their stash.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Today's headlines #3
U.N. draft demands Syrian cooperation
Invokes rare (but menacing) “or else” clause...
Wal-Mart memo: Unhealthy need not apply
Big box giant claims to have already surpassed quota of disease ridden workers. Says one exec, “just look at our cashiers for Christ’s sake!”
Eritrea launches tourism drive with new hotel
An excited public responds: “Where the #@%& Is Eritrea?”
Tensions mount as probe nears completion
35 year old men worldwide frightened
Voice of Jolly Green Giant dies
Family priest to perform special Ho, Ho, Homily
India 2.0: Growing Pains in Bangalore
Kirk Cameron declares missionary work tough sell with Richard "Boner" Stabone along for the ride
Cabbie Accused of Tainting Food With Feces
...and in a (un)related story
McDonalds To Post Nutrition Information On Packaging
I’m just saying...
Galapagos Volcano Erupts for Third Day
Vows “Never to eat Mexican again.”
Invokes rare (but menacing) “or else” clause...
Wal-Mart memo: Unhealthy need not apply
Big box giant claims to have already surpassed quota of disease ridden workers. Says one exec, “just look at our cashiers for Christ’s sake!”
Eritrea launches tourism drive with new hotel
An excited public responds: “Where the #@%& Is Eritrea?”
Tensions mount as probe nears completion
35 year old men worldwide frightened
Voice of Jolly Green Giant dies
Family priest to perform special Ho, Ho, Homily
India 2.0: Growing Pains in Bangalore
Kirk Cameron declares missionary work tough sell with Richard "Boner" Stabone along for the ride
Cabbie Accused of Tainting Food With Feces
...and in a (un)related story
McDonalds To Post Nutrition Information On Packaging
I’m just saying...
Galapagos Volcano Erupts for Third Day
Vows “Never to eat Mexican again.”
Friday, October 21, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Random paragraph #24
Sitting alone in his cubicle, Jack gnawed on a stale overpriced muffin while staring at the weathered “word of the day” calendar. He couldn’t believe it... not three days ago he had been lying on a beach in San Tropez, feeling the waves beat against his toes... a margarita in each hand and a bevy of beautiful women parading by wearing only slightly more than what one might use to floss one’s teeth. Now, stripped of his beloved sunshine and scenery, and burdened by the weight of knowing he wouldn’t be able to take anymore time off until at least the next fiscal quarter, he sighed. Slumping in his dilapidated aluminum-backed chair, a lukewarm cup of coffee in one hand and a copy of the “Primotech Interoffice Gazette” in the other, he glanced back at the calendar and began to chuckle... after all, he couldn’t help but find it ironic... today’s word of the day: “mulct”.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Random thought #22
I wonder what S'mores were originally called.
...or was their original creator really just THAT cocky?
...or was their original creator really just THAT cocky?
Friday, October 14, 2005
Today's headlines #2
Mary-Kate Olsen Drops Out of NYU
NEW YORK (AP) — What would Bob Saget say about this? Mary-Kate Olsen, who shared the role of Michelle with her twin sister, Ashley, on the '80s comedy Full House, has dropped out of college, early in her sophomore year, according to a published report.
----------
Guidance counselor: “I really wish you’d reconsider Miss Olsen”
Mary-Kate: “I just don’t see the purpose in it.”
Guidance counselor: “A college education is very important for young women nowadays... it can help prepare you for the real world”
Mary-Kate: “But I already have 150 million dollars... I don’t have to LIVE in the real world.”
Guidance counselor: “Oh... right... very well then... good day.”
----------
New Orleans Cafe Prepares To Reopen
Owner plans exciting “Grand Reopening/Going Out of Business” sale.
Sea Turtle Returns To N.O. Aquarium
Blasts FEMA for poor Cheloniidae evacuation strategy.
Are Modern Americans A Rude, Boorish Lot?
Yes. ...you got a problem with that?!?!?
University Of Alabama’s First Black Grad Dies
School promises to admit 2 or 3 more “sometime soon”
Bush holds video rally for Iraq troops
Vows to play Duran Duran’s “Rio” over and over again until “everyone but saddam’s a smilin’!”
WHO Urges Calm On Bird Flu
Claim “it's only teenage wasteland”
Businesses Crack Down On Gas Use
Ban employees from eating at Chi Chi’s, Chili’s or Taco Bell.
NEW YORK (AP) — What would Bob Saget say about this? Mary-Kate Olsen, who shared the role of Michelle with her twin sister, Ashley, on the '80s comedy Full House, has dropped out of college, early in her sophomore year, according to a published report.
----------
Guidance counselor: “I really wish you’d reconsider Miss Olsen”
Mary-Kate: “I just don’t see the purpose in it.”
Guidance counselor: “A college education is very important for young women nowadays... it can help prepare you for the real world”
Mary-Kate: “But I already have 150 million dollars... I don’t have to LIVE in the real world.”
Guidance counselor: “Oh... right... very well then... good day.”
----------
New Orleans Cafe Prepares To Reopen
Owner plans exciting “Grand Reopening/Going Out of Business” sale.
Sea Turtle Returns To N.O. Aquarium
Blasts FEMA for poor Cheloniidae evacuation strategy.
Are Modern Americans A Rude, Boorish Lot?
Yes. ...you got a problem with that?!?!?
University Of Alabama’s First Black Grad Dies
School promises to admit 2 or 3 more “sometime soon”
Bush holds video rally for Iraq troops
Vows to play Duran Duran’s “Rio” over and over again until “everyone but saddam’s a smilin’!”
WHO Urges Calm On Bird Flu
Claim “it's only teenage wasteland”
Businesses Crack Down On Gas Use
Ban employees from eating at Chi Chi’s, Chili’s or Taco Bell.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
To the "Fluffy's" of the world...
Naming a pet is a personal thing. It’s a subjective question really, one that has no right or wrong answer. And truth be told, there’s absolutely no sound logic or reasoning behind making the decision to criticize or poke fun at what anyone chooses to call their beloved pile of fur, fins or scales.
...but I’m still going to do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I like animals, and I don’t wish to inflict upon them any additional measure of embarrassment above and beyond that which they already suffer at our hands, but you see... often, by looking at a pet’s name, you can tell just as much (or more) about the owner as you can about the pet. So really, when you get right down to it, I’m not actually mocking any animals here at all... I’m mocking people.
...and that’s something I have absolutely no problem doing.
For example, if a 6 foot 2 inch tall, 345 pound, bald behemoth named Brutus adopts a 3 pound Pekinese and affectionately starts referring to it as “princess snookems” Well, you’ve just learned something about Brutus. Namely, that even with all appearances pointing to the contrary, he is most likely a tough man with a tender soul who enjoys fresh daisies, the Gilmore Girls, and long walks through dewy meadows. That being said, I still wouldn’t even think of approaching said behemoth in a dark alley with a smile, a dewy daisy, and a freshly minted copy of season 4 on DVD, but still... you can pretty much guess that if you did... after pummeling you about the head and neck, Mr. Brutus would probably be willing to sit down with you and watch at least a few of the bonus features.
It’s an extreme example, but you get my drift... and hey, at least it would be somewhat original.
I think what bothers me the most about pet names is the lack of creativity. There should really be a moratorium on certain names at this point...
Ok, so your cat is black... we can see that... by LOOKING at it... there’s really no need to reinforce the matter by naming the little buddy “midnight.”
...or “shadow.”
...or “licorice”
And the same holds true if your feline friend happens to be white. Names such as “snowball,” “popcorn,” and “ivory” are not cute... they’re lazy.
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to reveal the following tidbits about my own life:
When I was a child, my brother got a hamster. A brown hamster. And when given the task of naming him, he thought long and hard... and then decided to call him “Brownie.”
Yes... “Brownie.”
I would mock him further, and rightfully, I should, but for one juicy nugget of information... you see, my brother’s supreme lack of creative thought is topped by the fact that shortly after “Brownie” entered our world, I acquired my own hamster. A black one. And when given the task of naming him, I thought long and hard, and decided to call him...
wait for it...
Yes... “Blackie.”
I know, I know... it’s sad, but the way I see it, children have to be excluded from creative judgment. As a child, when you get a pet, you’re so overwhelmed by the fact that you’re actually being entrusted with the care and companionship of another living creature, that you can’t possibly be called upon to process anything complex or creative. Basically, you should be applauded for even being able to ratchet up the brain power high enough to shout out the name of what’s in front of you. And I believe wholeheartedly that this very phenomena is what has led to countless cats and dogs across the country being given names such as “tiger,” “spot,” “chocolate,” “cocoa,” “oreo,” or “marshmallow”
...apparantly, our nation’s children are very hungry
In any event, children excluded, I feel we have an obligation to be a little more inventive with what we call our pets...
Some people take the responsibility of naming quite seriously... weighing the pros and cons of various names before eventually settling on a particular sentiment – something that says something about them, their pet, and their view of the world. Hey, if that’s your bag, then go for it...
Then again, some people see it as an excuse to be absurd. To point out something silly, or poke fun at the conventions of the modern world, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s cool too.
At the end of the day, it’s up to you... and whatever you choose will be fine. We are just talking about your pet here... So whether you go with “Princess Snookems,” “Gnarfblat the Impaler,” or even just “Chuck,” it’s all good.
But please... if you ever decide to get a python... I’m begging you... don’t name it “Monty.”
Trust me... it’s been done.
...but I’m still going to do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I like animals, and I don’t wish to inflict upon them any additional measure of embarrassment above and beyond that which they already suffer at our hands, but you see... often, by looking at a pet’s name, you can tell just as much (or more) about the owner as you can about the pet. So really, when you get right down to it, I’m not actually mocking any animals here at all... I’m mocking people.
...and that’s something I have absolutely no problem doing.
For example, if a 6 foot 2 inch tall, 345 pound, bald behemoth named Brutus adopts a 3 pound Pekinese and affectionately starts referring to it as “princess snookems” Well, you’ve just learned something about Brutus. Namely, that even with all appearances pointing to the contrary, he is most likely a tough man with a tender soul who enjoys fresh daisies, the Gilmore Girls, and long walks through dewy meadows. That being said, I still wouldn’t even think of approaching said behemoth in a dark alley with a smile, a dewy daisy, and a freshly minted copy of season 4 on DVD, but still... you can pretty much guess that if you did... after pummeling you about the head and neck, Mr. Brutus would probably be willing to sit down with you and watch at least a few of the bonus features.
It’s an extreme example, but you get my drift... and hey, at least it would be somewhat original.
I think what bothers me the most about pet names is the lack of creativity. There should really be a moratorium on certain names at this point...
Ok, so your cat is black... we can see that... by LOOKING at it... there’s really no need to reinforce the matter by naming the little buddy “midnight.”
...or “shadow.”
...or “licorice”
And the same holds true if your feline friend happens to be white. Names such as “snowball,” “popcorn,” and “ivory” are not cute... they’re lazy.
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to reveal the following tidbits about my own life:
When I was a child, my brother got a hamster. A brown hamster. And when given the task of naming him, he thought long and hard... and then decided to call him “Brownie.”
Yes... “Brownie.”
I would mock him further, and rightfully, I should, but for one juicy nugget of information... you see, my brother’s supreme lack of creative thought is topped by the fact that shortly after “Brownie” entered our world, I acquired my own hamster. A black one. And when given the task of naming him, I thought long and hard, and decided to call him...
wait for it...
Yes... “Blackie.”
I know, I know... it’s sad, but the way I see it, children have to be excluded from creative judgment. As a child, when you get a pet, you’re so overwhelmed by the fact that you’re actually being entrusted with the care and companionship of another living creature, that you can’t possibly be called upon to process anything complex or creative. Basically, you should be applauded for even being able to ratchet up the brain power high enough to shout out the name of what’s in front of you. And I believe wholeheartedly that this very phenomena is what has led to countless cats and dogs across the country being given names such as “tiger,” “spot,” “chocolate,” “cocoa,” “oreo,” or “marshmallow”
...apparantly, our nation’s children are very hungry
In any event, children excluded, I feel we have an obligation to be a little more inventive with what we call our pets...
Some people take the responsibility of naming quite seriously... weighing the pros and cons of various names before eventually settling on a particular sentiment – something that says something about them, their pet, and their view of the world. Hey, if that’s your bag, then go for it...
Then again, some people see it as an excuse to be absurd. To point out something silly, or poke fun at the conventions of the modern world, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s cool too.
At the end of the day, it’s up to you... and whatever you choose will be fine. We are just talking about your pet here... So whether you go with “Princess Snookems,” “Gnarfblat the Impaler,” or even just “Chuck,” it’s all good.
But please... if you ever decide to get a python... I’m begging you... don’t name it “Monty.”
Trust me... it’s been done.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Random thought #21
If “hell” is described as an eternity spent in horrendous pain, with a constant barrage of white-hot flames biting at your heals... then what exactly is “heck?" I'd guess, given its far less aggresive verbiage, that it must be along the lines of a slightly musty room where the thermostat is permanently set at around 86 degrees.
...and there’s also probably never anything good on tv.
...and there’s also probably never anything good on tv.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Random paragraph #23
Even though George had never seen a real-life alien in person (like his cousin Lester), he was pretty sure they weren’t this big... or this covered in rust. So when the previously unidentified ‘74 ford trailblazer surprised him by slamming into his solar plexus at 35 miles an hour, and he found himself broken, bloodied, and hurtling through the air toward a rather ominous and unwelcome-looking patch of asphalt, he was at least happy that he’d be able to take solace in the fact that he had been right about that alien after all... not that he actually knew what solace meant.
Random thought #20
I really think that when you get right down to it... the differences between the typical kid and the typical grown-up can best be summed up with the following dessert analogy:
Kids eat pudding.
Grown-ups eat mousse.
Personally, I like both... but given the way I act on a daily basis, I don’t think this does anything to damage the credibility of my theory.
Kids eat pudding.
Grown-ups eat mousse.
Personally, I like both... but given the way I act on a daily basis, I don’t think this does anything to damage the credibility of my theory.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today's headlines #1
Language instructors arrested at Fort Bragg
Face formal tribunal on charges of “adding an extra ‘g’”
FDA to tighten mad cow rules
Cows that are merely incensed, perturbed, or really ticked off will no longer officially be considered “mad.” In order to pass FDA muster, said cows will now have to demonstrate at least 2 of the three telltale signs: 1) smoke emanating from ears, 2) face turning beet red while industrial “whistle” blows in background, or 3) unexplained affinity for rutabaga.
Senators prepare to grill Miers
Bi-partisan committee currently forming to debate use of sea salt and black pepper or a cajun rub.
'Chick flick' among new dictionary entries
“stink palm” and “cockblock” soon to follow.
Hardest-working frog tells all
Works with ghostwriter to reveal complete life story, “warts and all”
Trio wins Nobel Prize for ‘green chemistry’
Ziplock outraged. Promises lawsuit over illegal appropriation of coveted “yellow and blue make” technology.
Women fill key roles on Bush team
Hee hee.
Arctic sea ice melting faster
Refuses to stop taunting Antarctic sea ice.
Deadly 1918 Epidemic Linked to Bird Flu, Scientists Say
Woodrow Wilson/Audubon inspired plan to issue influenza shots (and tiny bottles of NyQuil) to all airborne creatures encountered snag when a large number of potential candidates refused treatment. “They just flew away... no pun intended” one source said.
Face formal tribunal on charges of “adding an extra ‘g’”
FDA to tighten mad cow rules
Cows that are merely incensed, perturbed, or really ticked off will no longer officially be considered “mad.” In order to pass FDA muster, said cows will now have to demonstrate at least 2 of the three telltale signs: 1) smoke emanating from ears, 2) face turning beet red while industrial “whistle” blows in background, or 3) unexplained affinity for rutabaga.
Senators prepare to grill Miers
Bi-partisan committee currently forming to debate use of sea salt and black pepper or a cajun rub.
'Chick flick' among new dictionary entries
“stink palm” and “cockblock” soon to follow.
Hardest-working frog tells all
Works with ghostwriter to reveal complete life story, “warts and all”
Trio wins Nobel Prize for ‘green chemistry’
Ziplock outraged. Promises lawsuit over illegal appropriation of coveted “yellow and blue make” technology.
Women fill key roles on Bush team
Hee hee.
Arctic sea ice melting faster
Refuses to stop taunting Antarctic sea ice.
Deadly 1918 Epidemic Linked to Bird Flu, Scientists Say
Woodrow Wilson/Audubon inspired plan to issue influenza shots (and tiny bottles of NyQuil) to all airborne creatures encountered snag when a large number of potential candidates refused treatment. “They just flew away... no pun intended” one source said.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Random thought #19
Did you know...
An appropriately placed “s” can turn the world’s largest home improvement retailer into an evil tyrant who through unfair practices, intimidation and cruelty lords his control over the domination of a single residence?
That the removal of an “s” can also transform the world’s no. 2 soft drink manufacturer into a gardener in southern California who works with questionable nationalization credentials?
That it’s also possible, through insertion of the proper “i”, to convert the world’s leading provider of legal stimulants and effervescence into a national public radio contributing senior news analyst?
That believe it or not, through the simple omission of an “e”, we can change the home of craftsman tools, Ty Pennington, and $36 billion in annual revenue, into a severe viral respiratory illness more commonly associated with Asians and Canadians hailing from Toronto?
Then, there’s this...
Without changing even a single, solitary letter, you can transfigure a leading fitness specialty retailer for athletes and outdoor enthusiasts into an undefined grouping of multiple male genitalia!
An appropriately placed “s” can turn the world’s largest home improvement retailer into an evil tyrant who through unfair practices, intimidation and cruelty lords his control over the domination of a single residence?
That the removal of an “s” can also transform the world’s no. 2 soft drink manufacturer into a gardener in southern California who works with questionable nationalization credentials?
That it’s also possible, through insertion of the proper “i”, to convert the world’s leading provider of legal stimulants and effervescence into a national public radio contributing senior news analyst?
That believe it or not, through the simple omission of an “e”, we can change the home of craftsman tools, Ty Pennington, and $36 billion in annual revenue, into a severe viral respiratory illness more commonly associated with Asians and Canadians hailing from Toronto?
Then, there’s this...
Without changing even a single, solitary letter, you can transfigure a leading fitness specialty retailer for athletes and outdoor enthusiasts into an undefined grouping of multiple male genitalia!
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