Today's headlines #4

Pilot injured after plane crashes into Wal-Mart
Receives multiple cuts and abrasions... not from crash, but from encounter with smiley-faced “rollback man” busy “slashing prices.”


Ship Blasts Pirates With Sonic Weapon
Gains +3 experience, +2 magic, level 9 scimitar of Andernol


Female Amputee Completes Ironman Triathlon
Random guy named Frank claims similar achievement – spends 37th consecutive day sprawled out on barcalounger subsisting on nothing but orange glazed donuts and yoo-hoo.


Penguin evolution linked to shifting icebergs
Flightless birds apparently had no choice but to “go with the flow”.


Study: Women Expect Less When It Comes to Humor
Unrelated study shows women boast higher levels of exposure to ABC sitcom “Full House” during formative years.


Today: Chocolate lovers invade New York!
Attacks easily thwarted when unexpected warm front moves in, melting confectionary arsenal.


Two Drunken Moose Invade Home for Elderly
One of the facility’s 15 “Senior Residents” responds: “We were happy to have the company... positively lovely fellows... a little hairy though... didn’t talk much... and I think one of them might have pooped in the cafeteria.”


Tom Cruise hires new publicist to replace sister
Newly-hired Paul Bloch promises to “tone down that crazy little bugger”