Leveraging my intellectual capital...

“A” players.

That’s the latest corporate buzzword being bandied about in my office.

“A” players.

Yup… it’s driving me crazy. Everything I do lately is being looked at for how it will pertain to them. Will this appeal to “A” players?” Will “A” players” respond to this type of messaging? How does the imagery you’re using relate to “A” players?”

Apparently, “A” players have become more desirable than a quarter-pound of penicillin in a cambodian brothel…

We want to attract them.
We need to be them.
“A” players are the new corporate crack.

In fact, if you heard the VP of our company talk about them, you'd have to assume that he's dreaming of the day he can leave his wife and kids to shack up with one in a quaint little bungalow by the seaside – a bottle of corona, a wedge of lime, and an “A” player playfully smiling back at him as he feels the wet cool sand slip between his toes…

So what then you ask is this amazing marvel that can inspire such indiscriminate fantasies of infidelity and indiscretion?

What IS an “A” player?

An “A” player is a go-getter!
An “A” player is a visionary!
An “A” player is a team leader!
An “A” player defecates solid gold bricks of motivation and spirit!

An “A” player is a ridiculous concept that gives meaning to that which has none – that provides those without creativity a way to label something that is obvious to anyone with an IQ over 7 – that makes people feel important in meetings while causing actual cognizant humans to simply roll their eyes.

I hate business speak. It’s shallow. It’s empty. It’s meaningless. And in that regard, it has much in common with my blog here. But the difference is, I don’t try to convince anyone else out there that my little blog has any substance. I’m just trying to give you a little giggle.

These people actually take this stuff seriously…

Take for example the following passage… it’s talking about what to do if you have an employee that isn’t currently functioning as an “A” player:

(and tell me you can’t just picture exactly what the sad sack saying this looks like)

Well, they should be coached into jobs where they can be "A" players, usually at lower-level positions. If that doesn't work, they'll have to find another job. That's best for the company and the employee. Provide hard-hitting, empathetic feedback, so the employee realizes he's a drag on the whole team and either improves or exits.

What a dweeb…

Hey, I’m all for booting someone who isn’t doing his job or pulling his weight, but do we HAVE to cloak everything in such condescending doublespeak – so it gets to the point where it sounds like we’re saying vital and important when in fact all we’re saying is:

“Get your butt in gear or you’re out the door!”

I don’t know… maybe I’m just grumpy today, but I tell ya, if I hear one more speech about being engaged in mission critical skill sets while actualizing our positioning and constructing a tactical team-building infrastructure wherein I can push the envelope on our current paradigm to enable a more validated methodology that creates a win-win scenario replete with result-driven enterprises that can seize the low-hanging fruit while adapting vertical markets to a more even plane well I think I just might have to get proactive on some executive’s downward facing assets.

Then again… I’ll bet my target audience love to see the ROI on that dog and pony show.