Thursday, January 27, 2005

The babbling of an old man...

It's sad to admit, but I’ve reached another adult milestone...

I'm growing more and more uncomfortable with the fact that as I get closer in age to those I have previously deemed "old," the concept of "old" bears less and less resemblance to the thing I called "old" when I was less "old."

I think I said that right...

OK, maybe I should back up a bit... I remember when I was in grade school thinking about the year 2000, and thinking that at that point I would be positively ancient... I would be 27. And accordingly, I naturally assumed this meant that I would have a job and be married and have kids and leave every morning at 7:30 wearing a suit, and come home at 6 complaining about my day. That's just the way it worked in my house, and I assumed it would be the same for me. Basically, I just figured that by the time the year 2000 rolled around, my life would be complete... I would have accomplished everything I needed to, and I would have settled down into the basic suburban lifestyle.

So imagine my surprise as I sit here, the ripe old age of 31, without a wife, kids or job (or, actually, even a reason to dressed most days)... completely absent of the life I had imagined. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing... frankly the idea of a wife or kids at this point still scares me on level roughly about par with the concept of seeing a full scale reenactment of the battle of Gettysburg put on by the displaced cast of "Cats."

But back to my point

Back then, 27 was old... but now, at 31, 27 seems almost downright... young... and 40 or 50, which in the past seemed about right for the mandatory age of embalming, now seems almost relatable... I mean, I actually have friends now that are in that age range... not teachers, not authority figures... FRIENDS?!?!?!? Just imagine it!

And hey, don't get me wrong, I'M not that old... and yes that is still OLD to me, but I am forced to admit that I can see that a day will dawn when the cusp of 40 lurks just over the horizon, and I will be forced to come to grips with the fact that I am in fact aging, that I am in fact getting older, and that it is in fact no longer a viable option for me to be shopping in stores that also carry items that can be construed as "paraphernalia."

I can accept this... and frankly, at my current weight, I'm sure this contrition makes for a very grateful public, but I do still have one burning question... When do I become a dirty old man for ogling young unobtainable actresses that would never give me the time of day even if I was within their respected demograph? Is it "wrong" yet for me to think that Keira Knightly is really hot?

This is the morel dilemma of a 31-year-old man.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Mind block...

He sat at the computer, trying to conjure up some bit of greatness to share with the world… an insight… a bit of forethought... a pure “eureka” moment that when arrived at would prove to be the culmination of all his intellect and wit… Schooling, life lessons, hardships… experience… they had all played a part in leading him to this one defining moment. It was time for an epiphany. But alas, it would not come. As he sat there, attempting to ponder life’s greater mysteries, a single phrase kept circulating in his brain, keeping from completing his goal… the same six unholy words repeating, over and over… and over…

“Don’t you just LOVE a bargain…”

Damn you Christmas Tree shops! You and your beloved BARGAINS! I say, Christmas Tree shops… your time has passed…. Yes, you may have been victorious today, but tomorrow… tomorrow shall be a day of reckoning!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

A funny thing happened on the way to the comics...

Ok, I like comics as much as the next guy... truth be told, I probably like comics a bit MORE than the next guy, (provided of course that the next guy isn’t Jim Davis, and the comic in question isn’t one that generates oodles upon oodles of cash thereby allowing him to employ a team of man-servants solely for the purpose of counting his oodles), but please, explain this one to me…

This is from a long running cartoon known as “Rex Morgan M.D.”



Um… ok… wow…

Where to begin... well, first off… I don’t get the joke.

Where's the funny? Is Josh constantly forgetting where he put his car keys? Is Mabel having wacky experiences on the dating circuit? Because without some serious shenanigans, Cancer and Alzheimer’s just don’t seem that funny.

Hey, maybe it’s just me… maybe taking this one cartoon out of context is unfair (who knows, there might be a humdinger of a punchline coming up in the next installment!), but that’s the problem… so little happens in any ONE strip, how can you stay with it? The people who regularly read this strip must have the patience of saints. These must be people who consider a crock pot stew to be “fast food.” They probably see a movie like “Das Boot” and think “Whoa! Slow down there Michael Bay... sheesh! You think we can keep up with a plot that progresses faster than cold molasses?

Then again, maybe it’s me… I mean, I like single panel cartoons. Quick and to the point. “Non Sequitur,” “Far Side,” These are comics that make sense… and oh yeah, they’re funny! (that cad Gary Larson… with his bovines imitating humans in a humorous situation while simultaneously commenting on the social hypocrisy of civilization itself?!? That, my friends, is comedy gold)…

But it’s not the fact that they’re single panel cartoons... that alone doesn’t ensure success… take for instance, “Pluggers.” That little gem annoys me more than one single picture should be able to… I remember reading it the first time and thinking “okay… not real funny, but that’s harmless enough.” (you know, kinda like “Family Circle”) But the next time I read it, I was like… “wait… hey, that’s the same “joke” he made in the last… oh well whatever….” By my fourth viewing of the wonderful “Pluggers” “cartoon,” I seriously considered getting a hold of every single person who had submitted their idea to the series… by the neck… and squeezing ever so gently…

but I digress…)

um… what was I saying? Oh yes, that it’s not just single panel cartoons… “Fox Trot,” “Zits,” “Get Fuzzy,” and countless others are most amusing, and entertain me (and many others immensely). I think it may be time to sound the death knell for comics that can’t be digested within a single person’s lifetime. You shouldn’t have to keep a microfiche handy just so you can make sure that the ongoing adventures of “Prince Valiant” can remain relevant to the next generation.

Now say what you will, and before you jump all over me, I know that these are just my tastes, and yes, I’m sure there are many people out there that thoroughly enjoy “Rex Morgan M.D.” Otherwise, yes, I know, the papers wouldn’t continue to run it. I’m not here to debate that fact one bit.

I’m just telling you they are wrong.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Starting the year off right...

So here we are… the beginning of a new year… apparently, that means it’s time for resolutions. So ok, here goes:

First off, I need to get back to writing in my blog…
I guess I could blame it on the holidays… guess I could blame it on my ongoing search for gainful unemployment… hell, I could probably blame it on the alignment of the planets if I wanted to (Jupiter is after all in the last quadrant of the aquarian sunshine flower and with venus rising that can only lead to procrastination… or midgets with acne… it’s pretty much one or the other)… but the truth is really just that I’ve been lazy… I haven’t been motivated enough to park my turkey and cranberry-fed keister behind the keyboard for long enough to build some sort of thread (even if it is in my own stream of consciousness sort of way)… but now, with Dave Barry taking a prolonged sabbatical, someone has to step up and fill the void… and until they do, I’ll be glad to fill the void before the void… the interim void if you will.

Second, find a friggin’ job!
Yes, I could probably have a job right now if I tried harder… I get countless emails availing me of professional opportunities in such careers as modeling, financial planning, and amateur porn, but seeing as none of the people offering these esteemed positions has ever seen me model, financial plan, or ...um… do that other thing, I can only guess that when they became fully aware of my qualifications (or um, rather… my lack thereof) they’d be less inclined to want to pay me for my, uh… services. In any event, I need to get on the ball and get the checks flowing once again. For while sitting on your butt all day and picking up unemployment once a week may SEEM like a dream come true, it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be.

Third, watch more movies…
I know, it doesn’t sound like much of a resolution, but I’m quickly amassing a graveyard of dvds that exist solely in plastic… apparently never to be watched. It’s a problem really. I go in a wal-mart or a best buy or a comp usa, and I see a DVD for 5.99, and something just compels me to buy it… It’s too cheap to resist… Consequently, I now have more than a couple shelves in my DVD rack that are populated by movies of this nature… some are movies I’ve never seen, but knew I would want to rent, others are movies I have seen, but never owned on DVD, and still others are cinematic gems that I can’t really explain other than to say I bought them out of shear empathy for the stars involved (I’m sure “stealing Harvard” is most likely terrible, but I just couldn’t bear to see Jason Lee floundering in the bargain bin with the finest works of Ernest and Jean-Claude Van Damme).

And finally, do all that self improvement crap…
Yeah, I suppose I’d be better off if I lost a few pounds… It probably wouldn’t kill me to exercise some more… It might even do me some good to build some more space into my relationship with cheese… but where’s the fun in that? Plus, when you really think about it… are those really the type of resolutions you’re actually likely to keep? I mean, of course, ’m planning on making every effort to slim down, and I’ll try very hard to get buffed up, but I’m tellin’ you now… I’m probably more likely to find myself this February on a deserted island with the Coors Lite twins than I am to be eschewing carbs, fat and sugar in deference to prolonged physical activity… and this of course leads me to my final new year’s resolution… being more honest with myself.