Every now and then you have to sit back and take a moment to contemplate some of the bigger issues in life… to ponder life’s imponderables… to question that which isn’t, and give new life to ideas that are deserving of more critical attention…
I don’t feel like doing that today so I’m going to talk about snowmen.
I was driving home this morning and noticed a carefully built snowman along the way… now we’ve had over 30” of snow recently, so this in and of itself isn’t much of a noteworthy discovery… and what brought it to my attention wasn’t even its distinguishing characteristics (the fact that it was wearing a patriots’ helmet and holding a beer - Sam Adams of course). No, what attracted my keen eye (and warped perspective) was the fact that it really HAD no true distinguishing characteristic (aside from the aforementioned affinity for football)... It looked more or less like every other snowman I’ve seen over the course of my life.
And that’s when I began thinking…
There it was… one large, somewhat round mound of snow, complimented by two smaller somewhat less round mounds of snow stacked vertically upon it. Now I’m not here to call into question the creative ambitions of whoever crafted this particular snowmosapien… truth be told, just about every snowman I ever produced in my youth closely resembled what I saw today (save for one particular masterpiece, crafted at the age of about 12, that included the addition of a pair of what could only accurately be described as anatomically implausible bazongas).
My question is... WHY do all snowmen look the same?
Who decided that THIS was the correct process of assemblage for man-shaped snow? Ok, sure, there are times when you’ll find a particular snowman that consists of only 2 mounds of snow stacked up, but I’d wager that if you did the research, you’d discover that these cases were really due more to laziness than a true desire to be different (and even then I’d guess there was a high incidence of dwarfism running through the families of the more creative focused builders). C’mon… you're 8 years old... you're cold... you’ve got two mounds of snow built up already, and you suddenly remember that there’s a hot cup of cocoa just waiting for you once you’re done… possibly even with those little marshmallows in it… and maybe this time they wont even all melt before you get a chance to take more than one spoonful. Didn’t that just frustrate the heck out of you?!?! They look all plump and tasty… then you drop them in the cup, and poof! They’re gone! It’s not fair I tell you… we can fly a man to the moon and bring him back in a craft that has to withstand unbelievably high temperatures, but we can't craft a dutifully heat resistant marshmallow?!?!?
But I digress…
And once again I rhetorically ask… WHY do all snowmen look alike?
Well, after some careful thought, I think I may have crafted a plausible hypothesis (or at least a way to end this column). I believe that the essence of snowman design is really just a plot by corporate America to brainwash the public… To soften us against the crimes and injustices that countless executives have constituted against the public for generations… After all, think about it. Snowmen are almost exclusively male (again, save for my 56” FFF adolescent fantasy). They’re also generally rather rotund... and, excluding any non-sanitary additions made after completion, they are without exception, always WHITE.
It’s true!
See?!? They are the very models of the traditional corporate villain. And yet, we view snowmen as mostly asexual… we view them as jolly… we view them as friendly helpful creatures that are ultimately without fault (other than possessing an inclination towards uttering HAPPY BIRTHDAY every time a hat is placed on their head). What better way to trick America’s (and dare I say, the world’s) youth into believing that fat Caucasian guys mean us no harm… that everything they do and touch is just nothing but lollipops and moonbeams?
You doubt me? Well, laugh if you must, but remember… you heard it here first.
It's like Joe Camel all over again... only WE'RE doing the work for them... they're crafty... oh yes... they're crafty...
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