What's that sound...

Today: a few tips on tire maintenance…

If your front tires have odd growths on the sides (much like your Aunt Edna) then they probably need to be replaced.

If these growths enlarge and pulsate when additional air is added to the tire, then they most likely will rupture at some point in the near future and should be replaced (unlike your Aunt Edna, who is of course, irreplaceable).

If after adding air, said tires don’t scare you enough to have them replaced, wackiness will ensue.

Said wackiness is most likely to ensue at a moment of prime inconvenience such as during a monster truck pull or street race for pink slips (or when you’re on a major highway, returning from a Holiday weekend at the parents).

It is important to realize that the aforementioned wackiness will not ensue in the manner in which you think… no, no, no... one of the tires afflicted by said pulsating growths will in fact NOT be the one that blows… it will instead be the tire on the opposing side of the car… you know, the one that looks perfectly fine… the one that theoretically is still under warranty… the one that when you tell the guy at the tire place that it’s still under warranty he looks at you like “oh brother this guy doesn’t think he’s actually going to get me to give him a break on the tire here does he” …yeah, THAT tire… THAT will be the tire that blows… and that blows…

Apparently, you will learn, tires that appear to be in perfect working order are utterly terrified by pulsating growths and will resort to committing suicide rather than be subjected to further exposure to said pulsating growths (for this reason it is advised that exposure of said tires to Aunt Edna also be kept at a minimum).

Changing the tire will make you more tired than you think.

The spare donut will not be easy to procure if it is hidden beneath 3,847 pounds of laundry, holiday decorations and car stereo equipment.

The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s cold out.

The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s raining.

The spare donut will be even less fun to put on if it’s cold out AND raining.

For some reason, you will view changing the tire yourself with a great sense of accomplishment, and you’ll wish you had a camera handy so you could document your supreme exhibition of manhood.

You are an idiot.

You don’t care. You’d still take a picture if the camera wasn’t buried under everything you just moved out of the trunk so you could get at the spare donut.

The next day, for some reason, even though only one tire blew out, you’ll wind up replacing 3 (see previous comment about terrifying effects of said pulsating growths on healthy tires).

Tires are more expensive than you think.

Tire salespeople will always smile at you and look you in the eye - even when they're lying or making up reasons why your warranty is not valid.

You will pay an additional fee for the disposal of the tires… but not the ones you’re getting rid of… the ones you just bought… the ones that are still on your car… the ones that don’t even have any pulsating growths… yes, THOSE tires... you will pay this fee, and somehow the tire salesperson will smile and make it make sense to you.

You will not trust tire salespeople anymore.

You will leave the tire place slightly grumpy, and you will go home... and you will pray you don’t run into your Aunt Edna along the way.