There are few things more degrading than trying to sum up your entire net worth with a few sentences.
But before you go thinking I’m all full of myself here, wait… I’m not trying to imply that my net worth is actually worth MORE than a few sentences…I’m just sayin’ that constructing the right line of BS to win over a prospective employer… well that’s tough. But it’s also exactly what you’re supposed to do when you go on job interviews. Impress them. Dazzle them. Wow them.
Yeah sure… with information about… ME? About MY life? …and MY jobs?
Oof… So, what exactly do you say to people you’ve never met?
Because you certainly can’t tell them the truth…
Q: So, why do you want to work here at [company name]?
A: Because In case you haven’t noticed, I’m unemployed… I need a job, and I’m not ready to admit defeat and flip burgers.
Q: And why did you leave your last job?
A: Well, I argued with them one too many times… I guess my, ahem… “superiors” finally decided they’d rather have someone sitting in my chair who didn’t use the logic portion of the lump of goo sitting three feet above his arse.
Q: I see… well you do seem to have some good experience here, but tell me, what are your personal strengths…
A: Um, video games, cheese eating, and references to obscure moments in pop culture.
Q: What about your weaknesses?
A: Let’s go with an irrational fear of bugs, the aforementioned cheese eating, and oh yeah, the fact that I’m unemployed.
Q: Do you have any long-term goals?
A: Well, I’d like to make a ton of money, and Jennifer Garner’s pretty cute…
Q: I was thinking more along the lines of career goals…
A: Oh, well in that case… um, I’d uh, just like to make a ton of money… and uh, not have to deal with dinks who are afraid to actually be creative or try something new.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Jennifer Garner's house.
Q: No, I mean career wise:
A: Pool boy at Jennifer Garner's house?
Q: You want to be a pool boy?
A: Hey, I just want to be at her house... YOU'RE the one who said I had to have a career...
Q: Let's move on... I’m going through your portfolio, and I see a lot of good work... but tell me, do you have anything more “creative” you can show us?
A: In my portfolio? No. But give me some glitter, a bean burrito, and about an hour, and I’ll make that canvas sing, baby!
Yeah… using the truth wouldn’t really go over all that well…
I guess for now, I’ll just smile, nod, and try to sound enthused about the prospects of commuting everyday to some remote building where people with egos the size of Delta Burke (circa 4th season of designing women) tell me what to do.
In the meantime, there’s always video games…
No comments:
Post a Comment