Often, when confronted with someone of unusually tall stature, people acknowledge that person's height with a comment such as "How's the weather up there?" or "Hey, could you slide over a bit, you're blocking the sun!"
But hardly anyone ever asks a midget for an update on the status of the tides.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Silver Linings #3
DARK CLOUD :(
If you go skydiving, there's always the possibility your chute won't open, leaving you helpless to do anything but watch as the ground hurdles towards you at an ever increasing speed.
SILVER LINING :)
This can only happen once.
If you go skydiving, there's always the possibility your chute won't open, leaving you helpless to do anything but watch as the ground hurdles towards you at an ever increasing speed.
SILVER LINING :)
This can only happen once.
Silver Linings #2
DARK CLOUD :(
Most prostitues don't have health coverage, and consequently can play host to any number of sexually transmitted diseases.
SILVER LINING :)
When you go to the hospital so they drain your sores, you might meet a nice cute nurse... and she might know someone who can reccomend a reliable escort service or massage parlor.
Most prostitues don't have health coverage, and consequently can play host to any number of sexually transmitted diseases.
SILVER LINING :)
When you go to the hospital so they drain your sores, you might meet a nice cute nurse... and she might know someone who can reccomend a reliable escort service or massage parlor.
Silver Linings #1
DARK CLOUD :(
If you give money to a bum, he's probably just going to spend it on cheap wine or malt liquor.
SILVER LINING :)
In a few hours, he'll pass out drunk, thus rendering him incapable of bothering anyone else. You'll have performed a helpful service for your community, and therefore should give yourself a hearty pat on the back. Plus, if you want, you can probably poke him with sticks and stuff without him even noticing.
If you give money to a bum, he's probably just going to spend it on cheap wine or malt liquor.
SILVER LINING :)
In a few hours, he'll pass out drunk, thus rendering him incapable of bothering anyone else. You'll have performed a helpful service for your community, and therefore should give yourself a hearty pat on the back. Plus, if you want, you can probably poke him with sticks and stuff without him even noticing.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Pointless Observation #3
Most children's books are written by adults. I doubt it works the same the other way around.
...in fact, it's probably illegal.
...in fact, it's probably illegal.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Pointless Observation #2
If you taxed people based on the amount of soap they used, fat people would get really mad...
Unless of course the fat people in question didn't bathe, and then I suppose they might not mind all that much. Cuz if you're a fat person, and you don't bathe, you've probably bigger things to worry about than a tax on soap.
Unless of course the fat people in question didn't bathe, and then I suppose they might not mind all that much. Cuz if you're a fat person, and you don't bathe, you've probably bigger things to worry about than a tax on soap.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Pointless Observation #1
Nose-picking is like a fingerprint... if you look around, you'll notice no two people do it exactly the same.
...by that logic, it's also kinda like a snowflake.
...by that logic, it's also kinda like a snowflake.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Lollipops and moonbeams indeed...
Every now and then you have to sit back and take a moment to contemplate some of the bigger issues in life… to ponder life’s imponderables… to question that which isn’t, and give new life to ideas that are deserving of more critical attention…
I don’t feel like doing that today so I’m going to talk about snowmen.
I was driving home this morning and noticed a carefully built snowman along the way… now we’ve had over 30” of snow recently, so this in and of itself isn’t much of a noteworthy discovery… and what brought it to my attention wasn’t even its distinguishing characteristics (the fact that it was wearing a patriots’ helmet and holding a beer - Sam Adams of course). No, what attracted my keen eye (and warped perspective) was the fact that it really HAD no true distinguishing characteristic (aside from the aforementioned affinity for football)... It looked more or less like every other snowman I’ve seen over the course of my life.
And that’s when I began thinking…
There it was… one large, somewhat round mound of snow, complimented by two smaller somewhat less round mounds of snow stacked vertically upon it. Now I’m not here to call into question the creative ambitions of whoever crafted this particular snowmosapien… truth be told, just about every snowman I ever produced in my youth closely resembled what I saw today (save for one particular masterpiece, crafted at the age of about 12, that included the addition of a pair of what could only accurately be described as anatomically implausible bazongas).
My question is... WHY do all snowmen look the same?
Who decided that THIS was the correct process of assemblage for man-shaped snow? Ok, sure, there are times when you’ll find a particular snowman that consists of only 2 mounds of snow stacked up, but I’d wager that if you did the research, you’d discover that these cases were really due more to laziness than a true desire to be different (and even then I’d guess there was a high incidence of dwarfism running through the families of the more creative focused builders). C’mon… you're 8 years old... you're cold... you’ve got two mounds of snow built up already, and you suddenly remember that there’s a hot cup of cocoa just waiting for you once you’re done… possibly even with those little marshmallows in it… and maybe this time they wont even all melt before you get a chance to take more than one spoonful. Didn’t that just frustrate the heck out of you?!?! They look all plump and tasty… then you drop them in the cup, and poof! They’re gone! It’s not fair I tell you… we can fly a man to the moon and bring him back in a craft that has to withstand unbelievably high temperatures, but we can't craft a dutifully heat resistant marshmallow?!?!?
But I digress…
And once again I rhetorically ask… WHY do all snowmen look alike?
Well, after some careful thought, I think I may have crafted a plausible hypothesis (or at least a way to end this column). I believe that the essence of snowman design is really just a plot by corporate America to brainwash the public… To soften us against the crimes and injustices that countless executives have constituted against the public for generations… After all, think about it. Snowmen are almost exclusively male (again, save for my 56” FFF adolescent fantasy). They’re also generally rather rotund... and, excluding any non-sanitary additions made after completion, they are without exception, always WHITE.
It’s true!
See?!? They are the very models of the traditional corporate villain. And yet, we view snowmen as mostly asexual… we view them as jolly… we view them as friendly helpful creatures that are ultimately without fault (other than possessing an inclination towards uttering HAPPY BIRTHDAY every time a hat is placed on their head). What better way to trick America’s (and dare I say, the world’s) youth into believing that fat Caucasian guys mean us no harm… that everything they do and touch is just nothing but lollipops and moonbeams?
You doubt me? Well, laugh if you must, but remember… you heard it here first.
It's like Joe Camel all over again... only WE'RE doing the work for them... they're crafty... oh yes... they're crafty...
I don’t feel like doing that today so I’m going to talk about snowmen.
I was driving home this morning and noticed a carefully built snowman along the way… now we’ve had over 30” of snow recently, so this in and of itself isn’t much of a noteworthy discovery… and what brought it to my attention wasn’t even its distinguishing characteristics (the fact that it was wearing a patriots’ helmet and holding a beer - Sam Adams of course). No, what attracted my keen eye (and warped perspective) was the fact that it really HAD no true distinguishing characteristic (aside from the aforementioned affinity for football)... It looked more or less like every other snowman I’ve seen over the course of my life.
And that’s when I began thinking…
There it was… one large, somewhat round mound of snow, complimented by two smaller somewhat less round mounds of snow stacked vertically upon it. Now I’m not here to call into question the creative ambitions of whoever crafted this particular snowmosapien… truth be told, just about every snowman I ever produced in my youth closely resembled what I saw today (save for one particular masterpiece, crafted at the age of about 12, that included the addition of a pair of what could only accurately be described as anatomically implausible bazongas).
My question is... WHY do all snowmen look the same?
Who decided that THIS was the correct process of assemblage for man-shaped snow? Ok, sure, there are times when you’ll find a particular snowman that consists of only 2 mounds of snow stacked up, but I’d wager that if you did the research, you’d discover that these cases were really due more to laziness than a true desire to be different (and even then I’d guess there was a high incidence of dwarfism running through the families of the more creative focused builders). C’mon… you're 8 years old... you're cold... you’ve got two mounds of snow built up already, and you suddenly remember that there’s a hot cup of cocoa just waiting for you once you’re done… possibly even with those little marshmallows in it… and maybe this time they wont even all melt before you get a chance to take more than one spoonful. Didn’t that just frustrate the heck out of you?!?! They look all plump and tasty… then you drop them in the cup, and poof! They’re gone! It’s not fair I tell you… we can fly a man to the moon and bring him back in a craft that has to withstand unbelievably high temperatures, but we can't craft a dutifully heat resistant marshmallow?!?!?
But I digress…
And once again I rhetorically ask… WHY do all snowmen look alike?
Well, after some careful thought, I think I may have crafted a plausible hypothesis (or at least a way to end this column). I believe that the essence of snowman design is really just a plot by corporate America to brainwash the public… To soften us against the crimes and injustices that countless executives have constituted against the public for generations… After all, think about it. Snowmen are almost exclusively male (again, save for my 56” FFF adolescent fantasy). They’re also generally rather rotund... and, excluding any non-sanitary additions made after completion, they are without exception, always WHITE.
It’s true!
See?!? They are the very models of the traditional corporate villain. And yet, we view snowmen as mostly asexual… we view them as jolly… we view them as friendly helpful creatures that are ultimately without fault (other than possessing an inclination towards uttering HAPPY BIRTHDAY every time a hat is placed on their head). What better way to trick America’s (and dare I say, the world’s) youth into believing that fat Caucasian guys mean us no harm… that everything they do and touch is just nothing but lollipops and moonbeams?
You doubt me? Well, laugh if you must, but remember… you heard it here first.
It's like Joe Camel all over again... only WE'RE doing the work for them... they're crafty... oh yes... they're crafty...
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Meow, meow, meow, meow...
Cats are weird.
Ok, so I suppose that in the interests of full disclosure, I should preface that statement with the following admission: I am a dog person.
I don’t mean to be, it’s not a conscious choice I made, heck, I even own a cat at this point (when you live in a small apartment in the middle of a city, I don’t think it’s fair to try to have a dog… unless you own one of those little rat dogs… which incidentally, I’m not even convinced ARE actually dogs), but still, it’s undeniable… I am a dog person.
They’re just friendlier… they bring you things like slippers (not disemboweled birds), they play games like “fetch” (not “let’s stare menacingly from the other side of the room), and they seem to LIKE me. My cat on the other hand, pretty much regards me with a sense of derision that implies I’m taking up valuable space in what would otherwise be a very lovely living arrangement. Dogs ENJOY people. Cats seem to view them solely as a means for getting food and disposing of poo.
And yes, cats are weird.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my cat…. and as cats go, I’ve got a pretty good one. She doesn’t shed a lot… she doesn’t bite (much)… and occasionally she’ll launch her tiny cat frame 6 feet in the air and contort it like a strudel for absolutely no good reason what so ever (an added value in any household pet). But there’s no denying that she’s weird.
For instance, my cat likes the color black… a lot. More specifically, she likes to lie down on black things, no matter what shape, form, or degree of difficulty that may entail. No matter what room she’s in, she’ll inevitably find the one black thing in it, and make it her nesting ground. I’ve found her in various cat–like poses on computer bags, shirts, pieces of music equipment… she even tries to lay on the side of the door when she’s in the car (making for a wonderful demonstration of the properties of gravity). Given the choice between a perfectly comfortable blue micro-fiber fleece blanket laid delicately on a field of catnip, and a rather less agreeable black-colored surface punctuated by thousands of sharp spikes that glisten with the entrails of fallen felines and smell of death… well, she’d take the blanket, but she’d stare longingly at those spikes for hours.
Cats are just weird.
Then there's the whole "stay near me/don't touch me" thing... You see, my cat is not by any standard what you would call an “affectionate” cat, but that doesn’t stop her from confusing me with the implication that she might WANT to be affectionate. (Hey, it’s like high school all over again… Ack, I don’t mean it THAT way… As always people, you can love your pet… just don’t LOVE your pet. Believe me, when I speak of affection with a cat and affection with a high school girl I’m talking about a WHOLE different kind of affection… not that I would um, engage in THAT type of affection with a high school girl at this point either… that would be wrong too… but when I was in high school, it was OK… the high school girl part, not the cat part… that’s ALWAYS wrong… at least that’s what the cops told me… kidding! Where’s your sense of humor? Now what the heck was I talking about?) oh yeah…. um, my cat is not by any standard what you would call an “affectionate” cat, but that doesn’t stop her from confusing me with the implication that she might WANT to be affectionate. She always seems to want to be in the same room as me… but yet, she doesn’t want to be near me. If I sit on one couch, she’ll move to the other… If I go in the office, she’ll follow, and then take up residence in the corner. Everywhere I go, she’s always just over my shoulder, out of reach… It's like she's haunting me... In fact, it’s kind of like being chased by Jason from the Friday the 13th movies… Only in this case, my “Jason” is short, furry, has a tail, doesn’t wear a hockey mask, and is most likely wholly incapable of picking up a sleeping bag containing a half-naked high school girl and bashing said girl against a nearby tree…
I tell ya, cats are weird…
Ok, so I suppose that in the interests of full disclosure, I should preface that statement with the following admission: I am a dog person.
I don’t mean to be, it’s not a conscious choice I made, heck, I even own a cat at this point (when you live in a small apartment in the middle of a city, I don’t think it’s fair to try to have a dog… unless you own one of those little rat dogs… which incidentally, I’m not even convinced ARE actually dogs), but still, it’s undeniable… I am a dog person.
They’re just friendlier… they bring you things like slippers (not disemboweled birds), they play games like “fetch” (not “let’s stare menacingly from the other side of the room), and they seem to LIKE me. My cat on the other hand, pretty much regards me with a sense of derision that implies I’m taking up valuable space in what would otherwise be a very lovely living arrangement. Dogs ENJOY people. Cats seem to view them solely as a means for getting food and disposing of poo.
And yes, cats are weird.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my cat…. and as cats go, I’ve got a pretty good one. She doesn’t shed a lot… she doesn’t bite (much)… and occasionally she’ll launch her tiny cat frame 6 feet in the air and contort it like a strudel for absolutely no good reason what so ever (an added value in any household pet). But there’s no denying that she’s weird.
For instance, my cat likes the color black… a lot. More specifically, she likes to lie down on black things, no matter what shape, form, or degree of difficulty that may entail. No matter what room she’s in, she’ll inevitably find the one black thing in it, and make it her nesting ground. I’ve found her in various cat–like poses on computer bags, shirts, pieces of music equipment… she even tries to lay on the side of the door when she’s in the car (making for a wonderful demonstration of the properties of gravity). Given the choice between a perfectly comfortable blue micro-fiber fleece blanket laid delicately on a field of catnip, and a rather less agreeable black-colored surface punctuated by thousands of sharp spikes that glisten with the entrails of fallen felines and smell of death… well, she’d take the blanket, but she’d stare longingly at those spikes for hours.
Cats are just weird.
Then there's the whole "stay near me/don't touch me" thing... You see, my cat is not by any standard what you would call an “affectionate” cat, but that doesn’t stop her from confusing me with the implication that she might WANT to be affectionate. (Hey, it’s like high school all over again… Ack, I don’t mean it THAT way… As always people, you can love your pet… just don’t LOVE your pet. Believe me, when I speak of affection with a cat and affection with a high school girl I’m talking about a WHOLE different kind of affection… not that I would um, engage in THAT type of affection with a high school girl at this point either… that would be wrong too… but when I was in high school, it was OK… the high school girl part, not the cat part… that’s ALWAYS wrong… at least that’s what the cops told me… kidding! Where’s your sense of humor? Now what the heck was I talking about?) oh yeah…. um, my cat is not by any standard what you would call an “affectionate” cat, but that doesn’t stop her from confusing me with the implication that she might WANT to be affectionate. She always seems to want to be in the same room as me… but yet, she doesn’t want to be near me. If I sit on one couch, she’ll move to the other… If I go in the office, she’ll follow, and then take up residence in the corner. Everywhere I go, she’s always just over my shoulder, out of reach… It's like she's haunting me... In fact, it’s kind of like being chased by Jason from the Friday the 13th movies… Only in this case, my “Jason” is short, furry, has a tail, doesn’t wear a hockey mask, and is most likely wholly incapable of picking up a sleeping bag containing a half-naked high school girl and bashing said girl against a nearby tree…
I tell ya, cats are weird…
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