Holiday shopping and wrapping,
as well as finding a job?
Makes it tough to blog.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Random thought #1
If a man voices his opinion in a forest and there's no woman around to hear it... is he still wrong?
Thursday, December 09, 2004
The art of the interview...
There are few things more degrading than trying to sum up your entire net worth with a few sentences.
But before you go thinking I’m all full of myself here, wait… I’m not trying to imply that my net worth is actually worth MORE than a few sentences…I’m just sayin’ that constructing the right line of BS to win over a prospective employer… well that’s tough. But it’s also exactly what you’re supposed to do when you go on job interviews. Impress them. Dazzle them. Wow them.
Yeah sure… with information about… ME? About MY life? …and MY jobs?
Oof… So, what exactly do you say to people you’ve never met?
Because you certainly can’t tell them the truth…
Q: So, why do you want to work here at [company name]?
A: Because In case you haven’t noticed, I’m unemployed… I need a job, and I’m not ready to admit defeat and flip burgers.
Q: And why did you leave your last job?
A: Well, I argued with them one too many times… I guess my, ahem… “superiors” finally decided they’d rather have someone sitting in my chair who didn’t use the logic portion of the lump of goo sitting three feet above his arse.
Q: I see… well you do seem to have some good experience here, but tell me, what are your personal strengths…
A: Um, video games, cheese eating, and references to obscure moments in pop culture.
Q: What about your weaknesses?
A: Let’s go with an irrational fear of bugs, the aforementioned cheese eating, and oh yeah, the fact that I’m unemployed.
Q: Do you have any long-term goals?
A: Well, I’d like to make a ton of money, and Jennifer Garner’s pretty cute…
Q: I was thinking more along the lines of career goals…
A: Oh, well in that case… um, I’d uh, just like to make a ton of money… and uh, not have to deal with dinks who are afraid to actually be creative or try something new.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Jennifer Garner's house.
Q: No, I mean career wise:
A: Pool boy at Jennifer Garner's house?
Q: You want to be a pool boy?
A: Hey, I just want to be at her house... YOU'RE the one who said I had to have a career...
Q: Let's move on... I’m going through your portfolio, and I see a lot of good work... but tell me, do you have anything more “creative” you can show us?
A: In my portfolio? No. But give me some glitter, a bean burrito, and about an hour, and I’ll make that canvas sing, baby!
Yeah… using the truth wouldn’t really go over all that well…
I guess for now, I’ll just smile, nod, and try to sound enthused about the prospects of commuting everyday to some remote building where people with egos the size of Delta Burke (circa 4th season of designing women) tell me what to do.
In the meantime, there’s always video games…
But before you go thinking I’m all full of myself here, wait… I’m not trying to imply that my net worth is actually worth MORE than a few sentences…I’m just sayin’ that constructing the right line of BS to win over a prospective employer… well that’s tough. But it’s also exactly what you’re supposed to do when you go on job interviews. Impress them. Dazzle them. Wow them.
Yeah sure… with information about… ME? About MY life? …and MY jobs?
Oof… So, what exactly do you say to people you’ve never met?
Because you certainly can’t tell them the truth…
Q: So, why do you want to work here at [company name]?
A: Because In case you haven’t noticed, I’m unemployed… I need a job, and I’m not ready to admit defeat and flip burgers.
Q: And why did you leave your last job?
A: Well, I argued with them one too many times… I guess my, ahem… “superiors” finally decided they’d rather have someone sitting in my chair who didn’t use the logic portion of the lump of goo sitting three feet above his arse.
Q: I see… well you do seem to have some good experience here, but tell me, what are your personal strengths…
A: Um, video games, cheese eating, and references to obscure moments in pop culture.
Q: What about your weaknesses?
A: Let’s go with an irrational fear of bugs, the aforementioned cheese eating, and oh yeah, the fact that I’m unemployed.
Q: Do you have any long-term goals?
A: Well, I’d like to make a ton of money, and Jennifer Garner’s pretty cute…
Q: I was thinking more along the lines of career goals…
A: Oh, well in that case… um, I’d uh, just like to make a ton of money… and uh, not have to deal with dinks who are afraid to actually be creative or try something new.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Jennifer Garner's house.
Q: No, I mean career wise:
A: Pool boy at Jennifer Garner's house?
Q: You want to be a pool boy?
A: Hey, I just want to be at her house... YOU'RE the one who said I had to have a career...
Q: Let's move on... I’m going through your portfolio, and I see a lot of good work... but tell me, do you have anything more “creative” you can show us?
A: In my portfolio? No. But give me some glitter, a bean burrito, and about an hour, and I’ll make that canvas sing, baby!
Yeah… using the truth wouldn’t really go over all that well…
I guess for now, I’ll just smile, nod, and try to sound enthused about the prospects of commuting everyday to some remote building where people with egos the size of Delta Burke (circa 4th season of designing women) tell me what to do.
In the meantime, there’s always video games…
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Random paragraph #17
7 months... 13 days... 4 hours... that's how long it had been since Stan last saw any sign of civilization... since he had tasted cooked flesh or drank untainted water... Following the storm (and the subsequent wreck), he'd spent the better part of a year on this beach... sustaining himself on seaweed, crabs and whatever else might washup on shore... and during those months, those long, long months... well, let's just say it wasn't easy... fatigue, sickness, loneliness... they'd all threatened to end him at one time or another... but somehow... for the love of god, somehow... he'd managed to keep going. Then, off in the distance, something cut through the haze... a vision... a red sphere like object, skidding across the sand... and behind it... could that be? Another person? He struggled to bring it into focus, and as he began to make out what could only be a little girl running to meet the tide and retrieve the sphere (and actually was just the first in a long line of tourists returning to the shore for the summer), a single, incredible thought formed in his brain, "My god! ...I 've been going through hell... and.. she's just strolling across the sand? How on earth did she ever last this long!"
Friday, December 03, 2004
Random paragraph #16
One day while walking alone in the woods, a man came across something that gave him reason for pause... a brittle, mishapen branch had fallen from an old tree and landed by the bank of a small but quickly moving stream. Balanced precariously on a stone jutting out from the underbrush, the branch teetered back and forth, one end dipping in the edge of the water, then falling back, tapping lightly against the stone. For nearly a half an hour the man watched this, transfixed by the picture of beauty before him... the gracefull run of the stream, the delicate rhythm of the branch's tapping... he watched, and began to lose himself in the simplicity of it all... then, as he sat crouched by the side of the stream, sun breaking through the tips of the trees, a cool wind gently scraping across his cheek, he had a revelation... "great," he sighed... "now I have to pee."
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Random paragraph #15
And as a deafening silence engulfed the room, Walter thought about what he had just said... maybe Ellen had been right... perhaps a social mixer at the GOP national caucus WASN'T the best opportunity to present his new theories on the power of the female perspective to free a repressed proletariat from the grips of a corrupt and unsympathetic ruling class.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
What's that sound...
Today: a few tips on tire maintenance…
If your front tires have odd growths on the sides (much like your Aunt Edna) then they probably need to be replaced.
If these growths enlarge and pulsate when additional air is added to the tire, then they most likely will rupture at some point in the near future and should be replaced (unlike your Aunt Edna, who is of course, irreplaceable).
If after adding air, said tires don’t scare you enough to have them replaced, wackiness will ensue.
Said wackiness is most likely to ensue at a moment of prime inconvenience such as during a monster truck pull or street race for pink slips (or when you’re on a major highway, returning from a Holiday weekend at the parents).
It is important to realize that the aforementioned wackiness will not ensue in the manner in which you think… no, no, no... one of the tires afflicted by said pulsating growths will in fact NOT be the one that blows… it will instead be the tire on the opposing side of the car… you know, the one that looks perfectly fine… the one that theoretically is still under warranty… the one that when you tell the guy at the tire place that it’s still under warranty he looks at you like “oh brother this guy doesn’t think he’s actually going to get me to give him a break on the tire here does he” …yeah, THAT tire… THAT will be the tire that blows… and that blows…
Apparently, you will learn, tires that appear to be in perfect working order are utterly terrified by pulsating growths and will resort to committing suicide rather than be subjected to further exposure to said pulsating growths (for this reason it is advised that exposure of said tires to Aunt Edna also be kept at a minimum).
Changing the tire will make you more tired than you think.
The spare donut will not be easy to procure if it is hidden beneath 3,847 pounds of laundry, holiday decorations and car stereo equipment.
The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s cold out.
The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s raining.
The spare donut will be even less fun to put on if it’s cold out AND raining.
For some reason, you will view changing the tire yourself with a great sense of accomplishment, and you’ll wish you had a camera handy so you could document your supreme exhibition of manhood.
You are an idiot.
You don’t care. You’d still take a picture if the camera wasn’t buried under everything you just moved out of the trunk so you could get at the spare donut.
The next day, for some reason, even though only one tire blew out, you’ll wind up replacing 3 (see previous comment about terrifying effects of said pulsating growths on healthy tires).
Tires are more expensive than you think.
Tire salespeople will always smile at you and look you in the eye - even when they're lying or making up reasons why your warranty is not valid.
You will pay an additional fee for the disposal of the tires… but not the ones you’re getting rid of… the ones you just bought… the ones that are still on your car… the ones that don’t even have any pulsating growths… yes, THOSE tires... you will pay this fee, and somehow the tire salesperson will smile and make it make sense to you.
You will not trust tire salespeople anymore.
You will leave the tire place slightly grumpy, and you will go home... and you will pray you don’t run into your Aunt Edna along the way.
If your front tires have odd growths on the sides (much like your Aunt Edna) then they probably need to be replaced.
If these growths enlarge and pulsate when additional air is added to the tire, then they most likely will rupture at some point in the near future and should be replaced (unlike your Aunt Edna, who is of course, irreplaceable).
If after adding air, said tires don’t scare you enough to have them replaced, wackiness will ensue.
Said wackiness is most likely to ensue at a moment of prime inconvenience such as during a monster truck pull or street race for pink slips (or when you’re on a major highway, returning from a Holiday weekend at the parents).
It is important to realize that the aforementioned wackiness will not ensue in the manner in which you think… no, no, no... one of the tires afflicted by said pulsating growths will in fact NOT be the one that blows… it will instead be the tire on the opposing side of the car… you know, the one that looks perfectly fine… the one that theoretically is still under warranty… the one that when you tell the guy at the tire place that it’s still under warranty he looks at you like “oh brother this guy doesn’t think he’s actually going to get me to give him a break on the tire here does he” …yeah, THAT tire… THAT will be the tire that blows… and that blows…
Apparently, you will learn, tires that appear to be in perfect working order are utterly terrified by pulsating growths and will resort to committing suicide rather than be subjected to further exposure to said pulsating growths (for this reason it is advised that exposure of said tires to Aunt Edna also be kept at a minimum).
Changing the tire will make you more tired than you think.
The spare donut will not be easy to procure if it is hidden beneath 3,847 pounds of laundry, holiday decorations and car stereo equipment.
The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s cold out.
The spare donut will not be fun to put on if it’s raining.
The spare donut will be even less fun to put on if it’s cold out AND raining.
For some reason, you will view changing the tire yourself with a great sense of accomplishment, and you’ll wish you had a camera handy so you could document your supreme exhibition of manhood.
You are an idiot.
You don’t care. You’d still take a picture if the camera wasn’t buried under everything you just moved out of the trunk so you could get at the spare donut.
The next day, for some reason, even though only one tire blew out, you’ll wind up replacing 3 (see previous comment about terrifying effects of said pulsating growths on healthy tires).
Tires are more expensive than you think.
Tire salespeople will always smile at you and look you in the eye - even when they're lying or making up reasons why your warranty is not valid.
You will pay an additional fee for the disposal of the tires… but not the ones you’re getting rid of… the ones you just bought… the ones that are still on your car… the ones that don’t even have any pulsating growths… yes, THOSE tires... you will pay this fee, and somehow the tire salesperson will smile and make it make sense to you.
You will not trust tire salespeople anymore.
You will leave the tire place slightly grumpy, and you will go home... and you will pray you don’t run into your Aunt Edna along the way.
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