Wednesday, August 31, 2005

List #2

26 Bad titles for “how-to” books


1. 50 ways to draw a snake

2. The amputee’s guide to unicycles

3. Teaching yourself to read

4. The blind man’s guide to electrical repair

5. The optimist’s guide to the apocalypse

6. How to get 3 minute abs (in seven days or less)

7. How to draw attention in airports

8. So you wnt too be a proofreedr?

9. The pessimist’s guide to rainbows

10. The atheist’s guide to prayer and reincarnation

11. The pack rat’s guide to Feng Shui

12. How to catch a bullet in your teeth... once

13. 17 ways to draw a worm

14. Tai Chi for poodles

15. Build your own wife!

16. Life’s little destruction book.

17. LOWER YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE NOW!!!!

18. How to publish a “how to” book on “how to” books

19. Cliff’s notes for dummies

20. The gynecologist’s guide to plumbing repair

21. The plumber’s guide to...

22. How to hunt broccoli for sport

22. 34 puppet shows that will get you arrested

23. The sadist’s guide to office supplies

24. 72 ways to remove a staple

25. The quadriplegic’s guide to mime

and finally...

26. Red wire, blue wire... who gives a crap

Thursday, August 25, 2005

What's up, doc...

Ok, so tomorrow I finally get to see the doc.

I’ve had some weird goings on lately that have left me with the nagging impression that either something’s wrong with my noggin, or I’m about to start receiving transmissions from the mothership... Now I’m not really against the latter... there are quite a few questions I’d like answered, and if I’m cooperating enough to receive transmissions, then they probably won’t feel the need to invoke “the probe.” And of course, to be able to communicate with the forces that gave us ET, the pyramids, and Tom Cruise, well that would be kinda neat. But if it’s not an otherworldly presence making mischief in my medulla oblongata, then we’ve some more pressing things to ponder (provided of course, that said pondering doesn’t do anything to exacerbate said mischief with the aforementioned oblongata).

Now, before you start planning the farewell party (is Menudo available?), please, please, PLEASE understand something here...

I’m being INCREDIBLY melodramatic right now...

I’m fine... In fact, I’m better than fine... Aside from a few extra pounds and a budding sunroof on the top of my formerly fuzzy cranium, I’ve got very little to complain about. But still, I’m of the general opinion that one shouldn’t see more than one copy of anything unless you’re staring at the Olsen twins or downing tequila shots like they’re a jumbo bag of out-of-date M&Ms bought three weeks after Halloween... add in a few dizzy spells, headaches, and a propensity to stare longingly at pictures of David Hasslehoff, and you can start to understand why I might be a little concerned...

So I’m going to the doc.

It could be something simple. It could be something not so simple. It could simply be that it’s summer cold and flu season, and I’m too much of a wuss to handle a few thousand bacteria shacking up and throwing a mucus party in my upper nasal cavities... who knows... whatever the case, I’m going to see the doc... and not just some run-of-the-mill, put my diploma from Joe’s Community College on the wall doc either... No, no, no... I’m going to the special doc... the kind of doc that gets to be condescending to you and act like he possesses the secrets of the Holy Grail simply because he went to college for a few extra classes and learned the definition of “benzodiazepines” ...you know, the kind that you need to pay the EXTRA co-pay for...

Well anyway, he’s most likely going to look at my head, shine lights in my eyeballs and make bad jokes about not seeing anything inside... and if past history holds true, he’ll prod me with all sorts of implements that one would never find existing naturally (outside of a doctor’s office or a well-stocked S&M “exploration” facility).

Then he’ll tell me that I’ve been eating pizza when I should have been stocking up on kale and iguana root, or he’ll tell me I’ve been putting my contacts in the wrong eyes (that’s certainly something I would do), or he’ll give me some magic pill that I’ll kindly thank him for and dutifully pop in my mouth (without questioning the ramifications of what it does or how it might affect my bowel movements)... and once again all will be right with the world.

Yes... that is most likely exactly what’s going to happen when I go see the doc.

But for now... if you happen to come across a strange man standing in an open field with his arms stretched wide and a roll of tinfoil wrapped about his head and torso... please don’t think there’s anything wrong...

I’ll just be trying to get better reception.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Random paragraph #21

When he caught wind of the first sign of trouble, Stanley had made a b-line for his bomb shelter. Built from mud, old spackle, and approximately 1,372 issues of Field and Stream, it was his crowning achievement... and even if he had forgotten the can opener (and the toilet paper), it was still the smartest thing he’d ever done... 47 years later, he was now emerging from his homemade sanctuary dazed, bleary eyed and more than a little fearful... Upon walking a bit, and taking in his new surroundings, he came to the conclusion that something terrible must have taken place here... he wasn’t sure what... he wasn’t sure when... but he WAS sure that no one born natural on God’s green earth could have created the abomination that now lay before him. This... “Hooters.” Apparently, that’s what they called this den of sin... He closed his eyes, and prayed for salvation... Stanley was shocked. Stanley was dismayed. Stanley was outraged. And then, Stanley felt a sudden pang for chicken wings.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

List #1

37 thoughts to distract yourself with while clients tell you your copy is trite and unsophisticated.

1. That commercial with the cute penguins.
2. Cheese.
3. Not being lame.
4. A sweet-ass bass.
5. How short Howard Dean really is.
6. How tall Mandy Moore is.
7. Metal.
8. Rogaine.
9. The disturbing fact that Omarosa is still on TV.
10. The more disturbing fact that you actually watch the show she’s on.
11. The plight of the African snow pea.
12. Your Netflix Queue.
13. The plight of Africans who pee in the snow.
14. Monkeys.
15. What bowling would be like if the pins were bigger.
16. What billiards would be like if the balls were smaller.
17. Full-contact naked washews.
18. More monkeys.
19. The sound that balloons make when you slowly drag them across your skin.
20. The sound that baboons make when you punch them in the stomach.
21. A loaf of bread.
22. A container of milk.
23. A stick of butter.
24. Your Dad’s yellow pants.
25. Chocobos.
26. Puppies and butterflies.
27. That scene in Tron where the dude takes that guy out with the Frisbee thing.
28. Voltron.
29. The other Voltron.
30. The Magic Garden.
31. Pi.
32. Pie.
33. Cow Pies.
34. Moo.
35. All the different ways you can pronounce the word "Road".
36. All the different ways you can pronounce the wood "Glockenspiel".
37. Defenestration.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Leveraging my intellectual capital...

“A” players.

That’s the latest corporate buzzword being bandied about in my office.

“A” players.

Yup… it’s driving me crazy. Everything I do lately is being looked at for how it will pertain to them. Will this appeal to “A” players?” Will “A” players” respond to this type of messaging? How does the imagery you’re using relate to “A” players?”

Apparently, “A” players have become more desirable than a quarter-pound of penicillin in a cambodian brothel…

We want to attract them.
We need to be them.
“A” players are the new corporate crack.

In fact, if you heard the VP of our company talk about them, you'd have to assume that he's dreaming of the day he can leave his wife and kids to shack up with one in a quaint little bungalow by the seaside – a bottle of corona, a wedge of lime, and an “A” player playfully smiling back at him as he feels the wet cool sand slip between his toes…

So what then you ask is this amazing marvel that can inspire such indiscriminate fantasies of infidelity and indiscretion?

What IS an “A” player?

An “A” player is a go-getter!
An “A” player is a visionary!
An “A” player is a team leader!
An “A” player defecates solid gold bricks of motivation and spirit!

An “A” player is a ridiculous concept that gives meaning to that which has none – that provides those without creativity a way to label something that is obvious to anyone with an IQ over 7 – that makes people feel important in meetings while causing actual cognizant humans to simply roll their eyes.

I hate business speak. It’s shallow. It’s empty. It’s meaningless. And in that regard, it has much in common with my blog here. But the difference is, I don’t try to convince anyone else out there that my little blog has any substance. I’m just trying to give you a little giggle.

These people actually take this stuff seriously…

Take for example the following passage… it’s talking about what to do if you have an employee that isn’t currently functioning as an “A” player:

(and tell me you can’t just picture exactly what the sad sack saying this looks like)

Well, they should be coached into jobs where they can be "A" players, usually at lower-level positions. If that doesn't work, they'll have to find another job. That's best for the company and the employee. Provide hard-hitting, empathetic feedback, so the employee realizes he's a drag on the whole team and either improves or exits.

What a dweeb…

Hey, I’m all for booting someone who isn’t doing his job or pulling his weight, but do we HAVE to cloak everything in such condescending doublespeak – so it gets to the point where it sounds like we’re saying vital and important when in fact all we’re saying is:

“Get your butt in gear or you’re out the door!”

I don’t know… maybe I’m just grumpy today, but I tell ya, if I hear one more speech about being engaged in mission critical skill sets while actualizing our positioning and constructing a tactical team-building infrastructure wherein I can push the envelope on our current paradigm to enable a more validated methodology that creates a win-win scenario replete with result-driven enterprises that can seize the low-hanging fruit while adapting vertical markets to a more even plane well I think I just might have to get proactive on some executive’s downward facing assets.

Then again… I’ll bet my target audience love to see the ROI on that dog and pony show.