Friday, May 27, 2005

Random Thought #11

From cnn.com:

"Federal health officials are examining dozens of reports of blindness among men using the impotence drug Viagra"



...I wonder if they develop hairy palms as well.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Random Thought #9

Doesn’t doing “the wave” at a public sporting event really just reinforce the age-old practice of peer pressure? You’ve seen what they do to the one cranky guy who doesn’t feel like participating... they boo... they yell... occasionally they even throw plastic cups filled with malt and hops-based substances... all in an effort to get someone to stand up.


Where have we gone wrong?


I mean ok... sure... it's fun to see a crotchety, old, and rather unpleasantly wrinkled fat dude (provided he's not related... or sitting near you) dunked in a pint of cheap beer (and by "cheap" I mean of poor quality but still ungodly expensive)... But does that really make it right?


Ok maybe it does... kinda.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Silver Linings #12

DARK CLOUD :(
Watching pornographic movies can create extremely unrealistic expectations for what a man’s biological gifts should entail… and how long he should be able to… um… entail them… This can lead to very unhappy partners whose unsatisfactory “real world” experiences will drive them to mock you… and your um… entailments…


SILVER LINING :)
You get to see boobies.

Silver Linings #11

DARK CLOUD :(
Watching Hollywood movies can give you an affinity for an alternate set of life circumstances and events that is impossible to attain… therefore, when the movie ends, you’ll be left feeling dejected and lost, even more dispassionate about reality than when the movie first began.


SILVER LINING :)
If you sit near the front, there’s a good chance that by the end of the movie, if you look under your seat, you’ll discover that a few stray Goobers have found their way down from the back of the theatre... this won’t enrich your life any… but it will give you something to throw at anyone who looks TOO happy.

Random Observation #3

My brain is going to mush...

You see... I can recite, without fail (and from memory mind you), countless quotes from movies... a veritable plethora of riddles, bad jokes, and puns... and every last word to the theme song from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” ...yet as I sit here writing this, I am having tremendous difficulty deducing whether or not I ever put on deodorant this morning.


...I mean, I guess I’ll know for sure in a few hours... but somehow, that doesn’t really make me feel any better.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Random Thought # 8

At the Superbowl, when you see someone on the sidelines wearing their team's respective baseball cap, you think nothing of it... but if during the World Series, you gazed in the dugout and saw Derek Jeter wearing a football helmet with a big "NY" emblazoned upon it, i'll bet you'd question more than his abilities as a shortstop.


...no matter how loud he screamed "go yankees"

The sound of self-pity...

Sometimes life just laughs at you…

So, a little over a month ago, I finally got a new job. Not a great job mind you, but still… a job. And I finally thought I’d be able to start climbing back out of debt. Then it happened… my car started having “issues.” Now, I’m not going to expel the time or energy necessary to lay out all the details for you, but by the time the whole fiasco was over, I would have much rather endured a wildly public flogging administered by an angry dwarf with a studded cat-o-nine tails and a penchant for low swings, than part with the number of duckets I haplessly volunteered to the gods of automotive repair.

My car’s running again, and I’ve tried to make peace with that situation… you know, like the wise old shaman is fond of saying:

“when life deals you negative thoughts, you must set them free… just put those thoughts in a balloon… a bright colorful balloon… then go outside and release that balloon into the wind, careless of where it goes… so it can fly away… higher and higher… creating an ever increasing distance between the negative thoughts, and the YOU that is living in the present”

and that’s all well and good… until of course your wonderful, bright balloon gets caught up in some wonderful, electrified power lines and gets ripped to shreds, leaving those wonderful, concentrated negative thoughts to drift down through the wonderful atmosphere until they get sucked up by a wonderful fluffy cloud, collect wonderful moisture, and then rain down on wonderful you with one hundred-fold strength!

Ok, so the analogy’s a bit deranged, and I should probably get back on my meds, but still… that’s what it felt like when I received the following recent bit of “wonderful” news.

According to my employer… my NEW employer… the one that just HIRED me… yes, THAT employer… well according to that employer, business isn’t as good as they had hoped… funds are not what they should be… and therefore ALL employees (even the new, cute, endearingly witty ones) are now being forced to take multiple weeks off… WITHOUT pay…

Um… excuse me?

First of call, call me naïve, but I didn’t even realize they could do that… You’d think they’d have to wait longer before telling me I’m not going to be making as much money as they just finished promising me I was going to be making… did that make sense? I think I said that right… “not going to be making… was going to be making…” yeah… exactly… how can they do that?!

Ok, yes… I know money isn’t everything… and yes, it could be a heck of a lot worse, but still… every time I start to catch up a little bit lately, life seems to hand me a fiscal banana peel, knocking me to the floor with a chuckle and a resounding whump…

You ever get the feeling that your life is just one long drawn-out episode of Candid Camera, and Alan Funt (only adorned in white robes with a long beard and looking more strikingly like God) is hiding behind a ficas somewhere with a big honking grin on his face, waiting to jump out and scream “surprise” and tell you that it’s all just a farce and in reality you’re a multi-millionaire and on you way to a tropical island where cheerful locals will massage your feet and lavish you with all sorts of fine cheeses and fruity drinks as every person who has ever been rude to you in your entire life is forced to tell you just how special and wonderful you are?

Maybe it’s just me...