Thursday, March 31, 2005
Random Thought #5
They say that all great works of literature draw from direct personal experience... by these standards, are midgets really qualified to write haiku?
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Silver Linings #10
DARK CLOUD :(
If you ask someone out on a date and they say no, you’ll probably feel embarrassed and dejected... especially when they laugh at you.
SILVER LINING :)
You can always tell everyone that it was YOU who said no, and that you in fact declined because you had heard they picked up an incurable venereal disease from a transient Taiwanese busboy named Dip Sook... rumors like that have a way of spreading very quickly.
If you ask someone out on a date and they say no, you’ll probably feel embarrassed and dejected... especially when they laugh at you.
SILVER LINING :)
You can always tell everyone that it was YOU who said no, and that you in fact declined because you had heard they picked up an incurable venereal disease from a transient Taiwanese busboy named Dip Sook... rumors like that have a way of spreading very quickly.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Random Thought #4
I firmly believe that the phrase "thinking ouside the box" has become so cliche that actually uttering those words constitutes thinking that is in actuality "within" the box.
With this being the case, to think "outside" the box would in fact mean you're recycling thoughts that have previously been considered. So does this in turn signify that our initial thoughts have no real innate creativity? Or does it mean more than that? Have we instead gotten to the point whereby we're perpetually "outside" the box to begin with? And if this is held to be true, and someone was looking to come up with something original, does this mean that they should actually TRY to think of an unoriginal idea, thereby keeping their thoughts within the construct of things that are "outside" the initial box? This might seem to almost be plausible, but yet, it can't be, for that in turn would mean that we are simultaneously "inside" and "outside" the box at all times, thereby negating the concept of the "box" to begin with...
It's like T2 all over again. If the terminator comes back in time and destroys Skynet, then Skynet never could have created the terminator. But if Skynet never created the terminator, then he wouldn't have been there to destroy Skynet. And so on, and so on...
I think i'm starting to get a headache...
With this being the case, to think "outside" the box would in fact mean you're recycling thoughts that have previously been considered. So does this in turn signify that our initial thoughts have no real innate creativity? Or does it mean more than that? Have we instead gotten to the point whereby we're perpetually "outside" the box to begin with? And if this is held to be true, and someone was looking to come up with something original, does this mean that they should actually TRY to think of an unoriginal idea, thereby keeping their thoughts within the construct of things that are "outside" the initial box? This might seem to almost be plausible, but yet, it can't be, for that in turn would mean that we are simultaneously "inside" and "outside" the box at all times, thereby negating the concept of the "box" to begin with...
It's like T2 all over again. If the terminator comes back in time and destroys Skynet, then Skynet never could have created the terminator. But if Skynet never created the terminator, then he wouldn't have been there to destroy Skynet. And so on, and so on...
I think i'm starting to get a headache...
Friday, March 25, 2005
Pointless Admission #1
When I'm having a bad day, I like to take a moment to go visit a public restroom. With a quick glance in the stalls, I can usually find clear indication that someone, somewhere is having a much worse day than I... and that makes me feel just a little bit better.
Back on the chain gang...
The first week at a new job is always bizarre.
Yes, that’s right, you heard me correctly... I’ve finally been successful in my bid for gainful employment, and as such, I have begun my latest term of indentured servitude... But alas, fear not my faithful constituency (yes, both of you), I promise to remain just as irregular about my posts now as I was when I was suckling from the governmental teat and spending the majority of my days in my underwear. After all, my devotion to laziness knows few (if any) bounds...
So, the first week at work... It’s a tough course to navigate. You don’t know anyone, you don’t know where anything is, and you really have no clue as to how things are going to go. For instance, are you supposed to just innately KNOW where the humor boundary is? The humor boundary you say? Why yes! I reply, and since I’m really conducting this dialog with myself, I in fact ask as well! (ponder that one for a moment why don’t ya… on second thought, DON’T... it’s not nearly as interesting as I tried to make it sound).
Anyway, the humor boundary is that razor thin line that exists in any workplace… that hairline distinctintion that delineates the precise location where one goes from being a harmless, amusing cad, to being labeled an obscene, offensive jerk. It’s an important distinction to make (especially for those of us who use humor as a defense mechanism), and it can vary significantly from office to office. In fact, it wouldn’t be overstating the matter to say that knowing where the humor boundary lies can shape the entire arc of your tenure at an organization. Take, for example, “dead baby” jokes. They’re not usually MY first “go to” funny, but for some, they can be an effective ice-breaker. And when used in the right environment, they may score you a key to the executive washroom faster than you can say “shameless and horrific misuse of an unconscionable tragedy.” But try them in the Neonatal Ward of the Dana Farber Institute, and you’re more likely to get looks of derision and a first class ticket to a desk in the boiler room.
Ok, so that’s a bit of an extreme example (and “dead baby” jokes are after all a bit dated and cliché), but you get my point... every office has their taboo subjects, the things you just don’t say, and the places you just don’t go. The trick is figuring out what those are. Even in normal conversation you have to watch yourself. At home, among your friends, you know what topics are “hot buttons,” and you can avoid them easily enough (i.e. never question the relative intellectual capacity of the average NBA player in front of my older brother). But at a new office, it’s a blank slate... you just don't know... say the wrong thing (in front of the wrong person), and you could wind up making your life more than just a little bit difficult (i.e. think fourth circle of hell minus the polka music).
Now I’m not saying you have to change who you are, I just think you have to exercise some common sense. I mean, if I was mopping floors at the Vatican, I certainly wouldn’t strike up a conversation with the pope on the sanctity of gay marriage... and it would probably be a REALLY bad idea for me to say what I think he’s overcompensating for with that hat.
Now, that being said, let’s recap...
What have we learned here? Well, I am no longer a burden on the average taxpayer... I have put way too much thought into adapting to my new environment... and of course, most of today’s NBA players have the I.Q. of a garden slug...
Oh, and one more thing... unless someone here at the office opens the floodgates by breaking into a string of first-rate “Helen Keller,” “one-armed Polak,” and “what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs” zingers, I’m not even going to THINK about telling that joke I just heard about the midget, the stripper, and the three-legged dog.
Yes, that’s right, you heard me correctly... I’ve finally been successful in my bid for gainful employment, and as such, I have begun my latest term of indentured servitude... But alas, fear not my faithful constituency (yes, both of you), I promise to remain just as irregular about my posts now as I was when I was suckling from the governmental teat and spending the majority of my days in my underwear. After all, my devotion to laziness knows few (if any) bounds...
So, the first week at work... It’s a tough course to navigate. You don’t know anyone, you don’t know where anything is, and you really have no clue as to how things are going to go. For instance, are you supposed to just innately KNOW where the humor boundary is? The humor boundary you say? Why yes! I reply, and since I’m really conducting this dialog with myself, I in fact ask as well! (ponder that one for a moment why don’t ya… on second thought, DON’T... it’s not nearly as interesting as I tried to make it sound).
Anyway, the humor boundary is that razor thin line that exists in any workplace… that hairline distinctintion that delineates the precise location where one goes from being a harmless, amusing cad, to being labeled an obscene, offensive jerk. It’s an important distinction to make (especially for those of us who use humor as a defense mechanism), and it can vary significantly from office to office. In fact, it wouldn’t be overstating the matter to say that knowing where the humor boundary lies can shape the entire arc of your tenure at an organization. Take, for example, “dead baby” jokes. They’re not usually MY first “go to” funny, but for some, they can be an effective ice-breaker. And when used in the right environment, they may score you a key to the executive washroom faster than you can say “shameless and horrific misuse of an unconscionable tragedy.” But try them in the Neonatal Ward of the Dana Farber Institute, and you’re more likely to get looks of derision and a first class ticket to a desk in the boiler room.
Ok, so that’s a bit of an extreme example (and “dead baby” jokes are after all a bit dated and cliché), but you get my point... every office has their taboo subjects, the things you just don’t say, and the places you just don’t go. The trick is figuring out what those are. Even in normal conversation you have to watch yourself. At home, among your friends, you know what topics are “hot buttons,” and you can avoid them easily enough (i.e. never question the relative intellectual capacity of the average NBA player in front of my older brother). But at a new office, it’s a blank slate... you just don't know... say the wrong thing (in front of the wrong person), and you could wind up making your life more than just a little bit difficult (i.e. think fourth circle of hell minus the polka music).
Now I’m not saying you have to change who you are, I just think you have to exercise some common sense. I mean, if I was mopping floors at the Vatican, I certainly wouldn’t strike up a conversation with the pope on the sanctity of gay marriage... and it would probably be a REALLY bad idea for me to say what I think he’s overcompensating for with that hat.
Now, that being said, let’s recap...
What have we learned here? Well, I am no longer a burden on the average taxpayer... I have put way too much thought into adapting to my new environment... and of course, most of today’s NBA players have the I.Q. of a garden slug...
Oh, and one more thing... unless someone here at the office opens the floodgates by breaking into a string of first-rate “Helen Keller,” “one-armed Polak,” and “what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs” zingers, I’m not even going to THINK about telling that joke I just heard about the midget, the stripper, and the three-legged dog.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Pointless Observation #5
If you were to take all the cigarettes smoked in the US over any given 24 hour period, gather them together, and lay them out end to end... then you would definitely be identified as someone who has way too much time on their hands.
..it'd probably be a good idea to wash those hands too.
..it'd probably be a good idea to wash those hands too.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Random Thought #3
You know those MLB replica “batting helmets” that you can get ice cream sundaes in? Well I’ve been thinking, and I’ll bet you they aren’t manufactured under very strict guidelines. In fact, I’d guess they wouldn’t stand up to the punishment of a single swing of an aluminum bat... much less that of a 90 mph fastball... nope... not even if you put it on a Chihuahua.
Silver Linings #9
DARK CLOUD :(
If the brakes go out on a race car, the ensuing course of events will most likely include a devastating crash, a hellacious fireball, and a giant towering plume of smoke - all accompanied by the harrowing sound of crumpling metal and burning flesh.
SILVER LINING :)
From a seat on the other side of the racetrack, I’ll bet it looks pretty cool.
If the brakes go out on a race car, the ensuing course of events will most likely include a devastating crash, a hellacious fireball, and a giant towering plume of smoke - all accompanied by the harrowing sound of crumpling metal and burning flesh.
SILVER LINING :)
From a seat on the other side of the racetrack, I’ll bet it looks pretty cool.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Silver Linings #8
DARK CLOUD :(
If you pay full price to see a movie and it doesn’t live up to your expectations, you’ll probably walk out of the theater thinking you’ve wasted your money.
SILVER LINING :)
If you’re at a theater in a mall, you can probably find some 8-year-old near the food court who will think your ticket stub is still good and buy it off you for like three bucks. Little kids are good for stuff like that.
If you pay full price to see a movie and it doesn’t live up to your expectations, you’ll probably walk out of the theater thinking you’ve wasted your money.
SILVER LINING :)
If you’re at a theater in a mall, you can probably find some 8-year-old near the food court who will think your ticket stub is still good and buy it off you for like three bucks. Little kids are good for stuff like that.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Silver Linings #7
DARK CLOUD :(
If you go blind, you’ll never again be able to experience the serenity of a rainbow, or the breathtaking beauty of a golden sunset.
SILVER LINING :)
You’ll also never be able to see your reflection in a mirror… Consequently, you can get as fat as you want while still believing you are as handsome and svelte as Bjorn Borg circa 1977.
If you go blind, you’ll never again be able to experience the serenity of a rainbow, or the breathtaking beauty of a golden sunset.
SILVER LINING :)
You’ll also never be able to see your reflection in a mirror… Consequently, you can get as fat as you want while still believing you are as handsome and svelte as Bjorn Borg circa 1977.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Random Thought #2
Why do really fat people always wear track suits? I mean, c'mon... it's obvious they aint been runnin' nowhere...
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Silver Linings #6
DARK CLOUD :(
Gambling is an addictive, self-destructive activity that ultimately leaves you unhappy, devoid of dignity, and broke.
SILVER LINING :)
If you're already broke, then you really have nothing left to lose... you can't really sink any lower, so you might as well keep going! Heck, you can always sell a pint of blood (or two) for some quick cash.
Gambling is an addictive, self-destructive activity that ultimately leaves you unhappy, devoid of dignity, and broke.
SILVER LINING :)
If you're already broke, then you really have nothing left to lose... you can't really sink any lower, so you might as well keep going! Heck, you can always sell a pint of blood (or two) for some quick cash.
Silver Linings #5
DARK CLOUD :(
There is no way to escape the simple fact that no matter what you do, or how you live your life... someday you will die.
SILVER LINING :)
It most likely will not happen while you are eating a corndog standing naked under a tree in botswana.
There is no way to escape the simple fact that no matter what you do, or how you live your life... someday you will die.
SILVER LINING :)
It most likely will not happen while you are eating a corndog standing naked under a tree in botswana.
Silver Linings #4
DARK CLOUD :(
It is rumored that Korean food occasionally substitutes meat from feral cats and dogs for beef and chicken.
SILVER LINING :)
Although one might find this alternate food source morally objectionable, it could actually be beneficial... I mean c'mon, the little guys run around all day... that has to be good for SOMETHING, right? What do cows do but swat at flies and chew cud? Of course, the dog or cat in question would have to be slow enough to be caught in the first place, so there's a good chance it's diseased... but hey, even then, you'd probably get to have your case written up in a new medical journal or something.
It is rumored that Korean food occasionally substitutes meat from feral cats and dogs for beef and chicken.
SILVER LINING :)
Although one might find this alternate food source morally objectionable, it could actually be beneficial... I mean c'mon, the little guys run around all day... that has to be good for SOMETHING, right? What do cows do but swat at flies and chew cud? Of course, the dog or cat in question would have to be slow enough to be caught in the first place, so there's a good chance it's diseased... but hey, even then, you'd probably get to have your case written up in a new medical journal or something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)